Sociable

Making friends as an adult can feel daunting, especially after age 29 when research suggests our friendships may start to decline due to parenthood, boredom, or apathy. Whether you’re an introvert, ambivert, or extrovert, learning how to be more sociable is a skill that can boost your happiness, health, and confidence. This article provides actionable steps to help you build meaningful connections, even if you struggle with social anxiety or feel like you’ve lost touch with friends. Let’s dive into the science-backed strategies to make friends and be more outgoing.

Understanding Friendship: The Science Behind Connection

Hello friends, I thought today we would play some friendship trivia. You ready? Okay, question number one: What is your peak friendship age, the age you’re gonna have the most friends? According to the research, the peak age for friends is age 29. After that, our friendships steeply decline, moving parenthood, boredom, apathy. After age 29, supposedly, we lose our friends.

Question number two is, how long does it take to make a friend? According to researcher Alan Hendrickson, it takes six to eight meetings to consider someone a friend.

Here is my last trivia question: How long does it take to move a casual friend into the real deep friendship category? According to the research in a study called “How Many Hours Does It Take to Make a Friend,” it takes 90 hours to upgrade someone from a casual friend to a real friend. 90 hours, like, that is a long time. I don’t even know if I’ve spent that much time with my mom.

“Building deep friendships takes time, but vulnerability accelerates connection.”

Why Being Sociable Matters

If these trivia questions confound you and you’re watching this video because you want to be more sociable, you want to be maybe a little more outgoing, maybe a little more confident, I am so glad you clicked. So, this is a huge need that I had in my life as well, and there’s a couple reasons we like to make friends. First, friends are nice; they make us feel the kind of warm and fuzzies inside. Second, research proves it: the more people we have in our life, the more good, deep, quality relationships, the better our happiness, the better our health. And then, lastly, if you’re around that age of 29 or a little older, you might be thinking, where did all my friends go? Without summer camp and college and school and camps and organizations, it’s hard to make friends as adults.

Step-by-Step Guide to Being More Sociable

Step 1: Start Fresh to Overcome Social Baggage

So, in this post, I want to give you some very concrete steps to be more sociable in an authentic way, even if you’re an introvert. Okay, how to be sociable, step number one is start fresh. So, I don’t know about y’all, but I have a lot of social baggage. I think it’s my social anxiety or maybe my recovering awkward person-ness, but I tend to bring a lot of baggage to my social interactions. This is you if you say things like, I’m so boring, no one likes me, I’m always so awkward. If you say things like that, you are not alone.

The reason this happens is because we tend to think of one bad social interaction like it’s a rule. So, one time you talked to someone, and it didn’t go well, and you’re like, I can never talk to that kind of person again. Or one time you went to a networking event, and it sucked; wasn’t you, was them, but you’ll never go to a networking event like that again. Or you tried a conversation starter one time, and it didn’t really work, and so you’re like, I’m never going to try that conversation starter again. One bad social experience does not make a rule.

So, the most important thing, before I give you all these amazing tips to come, is that I want you to start fresh. Everything you think you know about being social, everything you think you’ve tried once, twice, or three times before, I want you to start fresh now, be open-minded because I have some really good steps coming.

Step 2: Set Specific Social Goals

How to be social, step number two. Okay, now as we get into the real stuff, I want you to set some social goals. It’s really hard to set a goal that’s broad; for example, if you’re like, I really want to lose some weight, that’s not specific; it doesn’t give you anything to actually work towards. If you say, I’m going to eat healthier by ordering X, Y, Z, or I want to lose X amount of weight, that’s a much more specific goal to work on. I want you to do the same thing with friends.

So, why do you want to be more sociable? Why do you want to be more outgoing? I want you to dig a little deep here. I found there are three patterns. I have a lot of people who come to my website looking to be more social, and there’s three different reasons they usually do this. One is, they want to level up existing relationships. Maybe they’re casually seeing the same people over and over again, or they work with their colleagues, but they’d like to actually be friends with their colleagues. Or they have a crush on someone, and they want to level up the relationship. So, the first goal could be, who are three people you want to level up with? Three people you want to be more sociable with.

The next thing that I often see is, you want new friends. Maybe you’ve changed in your life, maybe you’ve moved to a new city, maybe you’re just ready for something different. That means you want to make new friends or new kinds of friends. I want you to think of three different kinds of friends you want in your life. And this is a little bit weird way to think about friendships, but do you want someone you could always go hiking with? Or do you want someone that you could go to lectures with? Or do you want someone that you could work out with? I want you to actually get specific about the kind of friend you want. Write down three different kinds of friends you might want.

Lastly, why do you want to make friends? Are you looking to make friends to feel more confident, to feel more fulfilled, to feel more happy, to feel less lonely? I want you to write that down too.

Step 3: Be More Outgoing with Low-Pressure Practice

Okay, how to be social, step number three: be more outgoing. Now, this tip actually works for my introverts as well. So, extroverts love being outgoing; they get energy from being around people. Introverts get energy from being alone. What I want you to do, whether you’re an introvert, ambivert, or extrovert—by the way, I’m an ambivert, somewhere in between—is to be more outgoing strategically, specifically with low-pressure practice.

The biggest mistake that people make when they’re trying to be social is they start with experiences and people that really matter to them. This is actually the wrong way to do it because it’s too much pressure. Don’t start practicing conversation with your crush; that’s really nerve-wracking. Don’t start practicing how to build rapport with your boss; that’s way too hard. I actually want to give you three specific situations for step number three that I want you to practice being more outgoing. These are safe spaces; they’re also going to set you up for more success.

The first thing is, go get more haircuts. Hairdressers and barbers are the secret to being sociable. The reason for this is because, one, they’re a captive audience. If you’re in their chair, it’s in both of your best interests to get along. Two, they’re usually very good with people; they talk to people all day, so they’re the best at making smooth small talk. If you’ve really struggled with conversation starters or small talk or sharing stories, practice with a barber or hairdresser. Go get a shave once a week, go get a haircut every three weeks, just so you can practice the art of the cold open all the way to conversation. You can also try going to the same hairdresser and see if you can get deeper and deeper and deeper, hitting those 90 hours. Or you can try going to different hairdressers and different barbers to see if you can nail the first impression, depending on your goals.

Second, instead of doing one big grocery shop at the end of the week, I actually want you to pop into somewhere once a day. So, maybe you visit your gym every day, or maybe you pop by and get some milk or some bread, or maybe you see your postman every day. I want you to think of one experience you can do every day with a low-pressure person, someone in your life who you don’t have to sell them or become their best friend or turn them into your lifelong partner. You just want to have a nice relationship. Those daily interactions are like flexing a muscle purposefully. This is great for introverts. So, introverts, you like to prepare for your social experiences; it’s really hard when they’re just coming at you all at once. I want you to pick one social experiment every day that you can do repeatedly. So, popping into the local corner grocery store and always talking to the checkout person, or always making sure you talk to the postman when he comes by, or always talking to the receptionist at your gym. That one moment is going to help you A, pre-prepared conversation starter, and B, practice the art of gentle banter, which is actually a really important social skill.

And last one here is, talk to delivery folks and service folks—waiters, waitresses. They actually have a really long day, so the more that you can be kind to them, think of good conversation starters, or just say gentle, easy banter, the better. And they’re free practice, low-pressure practice. So, here are three different ways you can flex that outgoing muscle in a way that feels comfortable for you before you take it to the really important relationships.

Step 4: Use Great Conversation Openers

Step number four: use great openers. Here’s the biggest mistake I see in every kind of social interaction, and I see this with people who desperately are trying to be social, and it doesn’t always go so well. They start with something accidentally negative. So, they breeze into a networking event, “Oh my gosh, the weather is terrible,” or they got in a conference call, “Oh my gosh, it was so trafficky getting here,” or “I’ve been so busy lately, haven’t you,” or “It’s been so stressful at work.” All of those openers start the interaction on a low, on a negative. They seem like throwaway or castaway comments, but actually, it’s really hard to recover charisma once you’re already low.

When you say you’re stressed, the other person then thinks, yeah, I’m kind of stressed too. Or when you breeze in because it was terrible weather, they think, yeah, I guess it is pretty terrible weather, and then you’re stuck. I want you to actually open every interaction with something slightly positive. This is two things: one is, it primes you before you even arrive somewhere to think more positively. If you’re like, okay, what’s good, what’s good, what’s good, you immediately turn your mind into a more optimistic place, which makes you more open-minded and more curious and more charismatic. The second thing that this does is, it also primes the other person to think more positively. So, one small positive thing: “Wow, what a cool venue,” “Hasn’t the weather been great,” “I was so excited about this event,” “It’s so good to see you.” All of those small positive things are gonna set you up for a high and a better interaction.

Step 5: Activate Your “Like-Dar” for Connection

How to be sociable, step number five is use Like-Dar. So, Like-Dar is a word I created; I love creating new words, which is a combination of like and radar. There’s a scientific concept called similarity attraction effect. Now, most people think of the cliché, opposites attract, but actually, similarities attract even more, and research proves it. We like people who are like us, who have similar interests to us, who do things similar to us, who dress similarly to us. And so, when I’m with someone, I’m always on Like-Dar, and this is key to being more sociable.

When you’re with people, I want you to think of, how can I find as many similarities as possible? When you’re in an interaction, when you’re talking to someone, if you ever run out of things to say or you have that awkward silence, I want you to ask questions that look for similarities. This could be, “What are you up to this weekend?” hoping that maybe you’ll be doing the same thing, or “Have any big plans for the holidays coming up?” and then you can share holiday memories or holiday experiences, or “What do you do for fun?” or “Working on any personal passion projects recently?” All of those questions are getting you to some place where you can say, “Yes, me too, I love that show, I love that book, I love to hike, I love to garden.” All those times that you say, “Me too,” or “I like that too,” it creates a bond.

This is my secret key to never running out of things to say. If I am always searching for “me too’s,” and typically my goal is that in every interaction, I get at least three “me too’s,” I always have questions I can ask because I’m searching for something. That searching is the definition of being curious. Or, if you heard the famous quote by Dale Carnegie, “To be interesting, be interested.” Like-Dar is the key to that.

Step 6: Wear Vulnerable Colored Glasses

How to be sociable, step number six: wear vulnerable colored glasses. So, if you heard the phrase, wear rose-colored glasses, seeing things positively through a rosy lens, I actually like seeing things through a vulnerability-colored lens. I know that’s not nearly as cute, and it’s a lot longer, and it’s kind of clunky, but you get it. So, vulnerability is actually the key to building connection.

That study that I mentioned at the very beginning that said that it takes 90 hours to upgrade someone to a real friend, I think my secret workaround to that, getting it to be maybe 40 hours or 50 hours or even 30 hours, is sharing vulnerability early on. This turns quantity friendship time into quality friendship time. And I am always looking for ways to share small vulnerabilities. I don’t want you to walk up to someone and be like, “Can I tell you my life story? I have lots of trauma,” or “I have a lot of baggage, can I tell you all about it,” or just verbal vomiting all the bad things that are happening in your life. I do not want you to do that.

I do want you to mention small, honest vulnerabilities. They sound like this: “I was so worried I wouldn’t know anyone tonight, but I’m so happy you’re here,” “I’m a recovering awkward person, so it’s so nice to meet someone outgoing like you,” “I seriously almost canceled tonight to watch Netflix, but you made it all worth it,” “I recently googled how to be more social, and I found this amazing video that told me that I should talk to people.”

Here is the big one: if you’re trying to be more social, tell people. Tell them about your sociability journey and ask them to help. The greatest vulnerability we can share is that we’re looking for more friendships, that we’re looking for deeper connection, that we sometimes feel lonely, and we love, love for them to be in our lives. I like you to share that you want to be more social. The right people will respond in the right way.

Step 7: Harness Curiosity for Deeper Conversations

Step number seven: harness curiosity. So, I mentioned being interested, but I also want you to think about being curious. This happens in two ways. First is the questions you ask. Always, always ask interesting, thought-provoking questions. Do not ask socially scripted questions, the boring ones like, “What do you do?” “Where are you from?” “How are you?” Those are so boring, and they don’t give you actual answers. I want you to ask the deeper questions, the exciting questions like, “What’s been the highlight of your week?” or “Did you learn anything interesting today?” or “What personal passion project are you working on?”

So, the first phase is the questions. The second is your responses. The best way to be curious is to ask thoughtful follow-up questions to their responses. So, don’t just ask about their personal passion project; listen and then say, “Tell me more about that,” or “How did you get started in that?” or “Wow, I’d love to learn more.” So, it’s the first question; that’s also your response to their answer. That’s the key to being curious, and it instantly makes you more likable.

Step 8: Don’t Flake on Commitments

How to be sociable, step number eight: don’t flake. A poll of 2,000 people found that 46% of millennials don’t see a problem with flaking last minute, and more than half of them said they frequently say yes with no intention of following through. No more. It’s incredibly hard to be sociable if you flake. So, right here, right now, I want you to make a rule with yourself that if you say yes, you’re gonna do it.

It’s really hard to be sociable when you say yes to everything, and then it comes to the actual daily event, and you cancel last minute, or you dread it. Only say yes to the things you’re genuinely going to look forward to, and don’t flake. Don’t leave early, and don’t come late. Psychologists say it takes at least 10 minutes to get to know someone, get in a deep conversation. So, if you bail after 10 minutes, you’re never giving anyone a chance.

I also recommend, don’t show up late. The reason for this is because it’s so much harder to break into groups if you show up late. Everyone’s in deep conversation, they’ve gotten their drinks and their meals, and you’ll find yourself in more awkward interactions or having trouble breaking into groups if you show up late. So, show up, show up on time, and give them at least 12 minutes.

Step 9: Exude Confidence with Body Language

How to be sociable, step number nine: be confident, especially with your body language. So, I love talking about body language and non-verbal on this channel, and I wanted to teach you a couple of really quick confidence body language boosters. So, when we think about confident body language, it’s actually about taking up space. So, if I contract my shoulders and cross my arms over my chest and turtle my head down, I immediately look less confident.

The key to looking more confident is to actually maximize the space between your earlobe—I know, weird—and the top of your shoulder. That’s because the longer this distance is, the more relaxed our shoulders are, the higher I hold my head, and the more relaxed my jaw and my neckline are. When people are truly confident, this is all nice and relaxed. We also love to see space between someone’s arms and body; that shows that they’re using their hand gestures, they’re taking up space. So, if you can use armrests on chairs or hold a drink by your side to make sure that you’re keeping or creating space between your body and your arm.

Remember, the more space you take up, the better, but I don’t want you to be too expansive. Walking into every room like this is a little bit socially aggressive, but walking in with your shoulders down and back, your head held high, indicates confidence to everyone who sees you.

Step 10: Don’t Be Hard on Yourself

How to be sociable, step number ten: don’t be hard on yourself. So, I read a recent study that was about dopamine. Dopamine is one of my favorites; where is she, dopamine? So, dopamine is one of my favorite chemicals; it’s nicknamed the pleasure chemical. And they found that it actually dictates our sociability, and this is through our genetics. One in five people carry a certain form of the DRD4 gene. DRD4 is what produces dopamine. They found that one in five people are more sociable because of this gene. They literally crave more dopamine experiences; they’re more open, they’re more adventurous, they’re more risk-taking, they’re more outgoing.

So, if you are not one of those people, you tend to compare yourself to those people. For example, I have a sibling who is definitely the long form of DRD4, and I always used to compare myself to her. What I want you to think about is, you don’t have to compare yourself to anyone, and the way that you are social might actually be dictated by your genetics. I don’t think social anxiety is a choice, and I definitely don’t think that our introversion, ambiversion, or extroversion is a choice. So, don’t be too hard on yourself. If you go out for interaction, and it doesn’t go well, that’s okay. Remember, one bad social experience is not a social rule.

Here’s the bottom line: I think that being more social is actually one of the fastest ways to feeling more fulfilled and more happy and being more successful. You never know who you’re going to meet when you’re talking to someone at a grocery store in the grocery store checkout line. You never know who you’re going to meet if you say yes to that party or that event. There are people out there who really, really want to meet you. Don’t feel like you have to be perfect; don’t feel like you have to be impressive. Just be vulnerable, be real, and share who you really are.

Remember, it takes 90 hours to make a good friend, but I think 30 if you use my workarounds. You can do it. I encourage you to find your people. You got this. I can’t wait to hear about all the new friends you make. Be sure to tell me in the comments below.

FAQ: Long-Tail Questions About Making Friends as an Adult

How long does it take to make a friend as an adult?

According to researcher Alan Hendrickson, it takes six to eight meetings to consider someone a friend.

What is the peak age for having the most friends?

According to the research, the peak age for friends is age 29. After that, our friendships steeply decline, moving parenthood, boredom, apathy.

How many hours does it take to turn a casual friend into a deep friend?

According to the research in a study called “How Many Hours Does It Take to Make a Friend,” it takes 90 hours to upgrade someone from a casual friend to a real friend.

Why is it hard to make friends after age 29?

Without summer camp and college and school and camps and organizations, it’s hard to make friends as adults.

How can introverts be more sociable without feeling overwhelmed?

What I want you to do, whether you’re an introvert, ambivert, or extrovert—by the way, I’m an ambivert, somewhere in between—is to be more outgoing strategically, specifically with low-pressure practice.

What are some low-pressure ways to practice being sociable?

Go get more haircuts, pop into somewhere once a day, talk to delivery folks and service folks—waiters, waitresses.

How can I start conversations without sounding negative?

I want you to actually open every interaction with something slightly positive.

What is the similarity attraction effect in socializing?

There’s a scientific concept called similarity attraction effect. We like people who are like us, who have similar interests to us, who do things similar to us, who dress similarly to us.

How does vulnerability help in making friends faster?

Sharing vulnerability early on turns quantity friendship time into quality friendship time.

What are some good questions to ask to build connection?

I want you to ask the deeper questions, the exciting questions like, “What’s been the highlight of your week?” or “Did you learn anything interesting today?” or “What personal passion project are you working on?”

How does body language affect sociability?

The key to looking more confident is to actually maximize the space between your earlobe and the top of your shoulder.

Why should I avoid flaking when trying to be more sociable?

It’s incredibly hard to be sociable if you flake.

How does dopamine affect sociability?

One in five people carry a certain form of the DRD4 gene. They found that one in five people are more sociable because of this gene.