Modern dating can be a challenging landscape to navigate, filled with emotional highs and lows. Understanding the warning signs in a relationship can save you time, energy, and even money. In this article, we’ll explore seven critical red flags that you should never overlook when pursuing a committed, serious relationship. These insights are designed to help you make informed decisions and foster healthier connections.
The Importance of Recognizing Red Flags in Relationships
You want to know what’s hard about modern dating? How much time we got here? It’s usually not until the end of your relationship that you get the full picture, the clearest perspective of where things went wrong. Warning signs, red flags that were staring out right in front of the face, we missed because we were so caught up in the passion. You might even think to yourself, if I only knew this about this person from day one, I could have saved so much time, energy, money—lots of money. You guys seen the price for dinner for two lately? Inflation’s no joke. So that’s why in today’s article, we’re going over seven relationship red flags you should never ignore. Quick note: these are my personal standards. I encourage you to make your own list, but I think that these are a good jump-off point for everyone. Second, I’m talking about committed, serious relationships here—you’re serious about them, they’re serious about you, not the texting phase or you know, you just met someone off an app from week one. You’ll see why with red flag number three, why that might be a little too much too soon.
Red Flag #1: Sketchy Friends and Their Influence
So right off the bat, if the person you’re dating and gonna get serious with has some sketchy friends that you don’t really like, that could be cause for concern. There’s a saying, birds of a feather flock together. You might have heard that—you are the average of the five people you hang around most. That’s not just a good saying, it’s true. There was a statistic I saw a while ago where if your best friends are overweight or obese, you’re like 50 or something more likely to be obese or overweight yourself. So if you really get a bad gut feeling about someone’s close circle of friends, that might be a sign of how they actually are or behave later down the road because you do become who you hang around.
Quote: “Your partner’s friends reflect their true character over time.”
Red Flag #2: A History of Infidelity Without Accountability
I’ll start with saying I believe that everyone deserves a second chance. But if the person you’re getting serious with has a history of infidelity or cheating, you want to really listen for how they talk about what happened when it comes up. Anything less than complete, full ownership that they messed up, that they feel guilty about it, they’re sorry it ever happened—if they’re justifying poor behaviors with “I had to cheat because I wasn’t getting XYZ,” again, that’s justifying toxic behavior. Personally, I wouldn’t sign up for that.
Red Flag #3: Social Media Obsession and Seeking Validation
This one is going to be very unpopular. My relationship with social media is very odd because I make a living from it. I am very public on social media; I have a whole brand and a business on it. But the data is out, and we know how unhealthy it is for the everyday person—not only what it does for your dopamine levels and kind of disassociating from life, but what it does to your self-esteem and how it sets unrealistic expectations that dictate a lot of your behaviors. You want to watch out for someone who’s overly obsessed with social media. Now, I’m not talking here about someone who uses Instagram or Facebook or whatever platform to like stay in touch with the close group of friends, keep them updated—that’s positive, that’s what social media is intended for. I’m talking here about someone who’s obsessed with posting things for validation. The thing is, happy people aren’t spending time on social media trying to convince everyone they’re happy. Really rich people aren’t spending hours and hours on social media trying to convince total strangers that they’re rich and they’ve made it. And again, this is a bit of a hot take, so I know some people freak out, but let me ask you this—would you let your partner be on a dating app if you were dating them? You’d be like, no, that’s of course not, no, absolutely not. You think the celebrities out there use dating apps, are on Tinder? No, they use Instagram. That’s how it works; they slide in the DMs. Instagram is sort of replacing dating apps in a lot of ways now. Again, this is different if they have a business or a brand on there. But if you meet someone and they’re just overly obsessed with an image and portraying that on social media for a bunch of strangers and they get tons of validation from it, in my opinion, that’s a red flag. Bare minimum, if they’re not willing to private an Instagram account for you out of respect in the relationship, to me personally, it’s a red flag.
Red Flag #4: Blaming Exes Without Self-Reflection
Number four, this is track record. There’s a saying, if it smells like, walk away, but if everywhere you go smells like, check your shoe. Pay close attention to how they talk about their ex. Now look, I’m not someone in a relationship who says you can never bring up your ex, don’t ever say their name—like, it’s natural. If you spend that much time with someone at one point, you like them, so yeah, of course they’re gonna come up every now and then. In my opinion, not a problem, not a red flag. What is a red flag is if they go into a bunch of stories about how toxic their ex was or how their ex was a narcissist. What’s even a bigger red flag is if they’ve had multiple narcissistic exes, toxic exes, the worst exes. They were 50% of any relationship they were in. Now look, I do have to say, do narcissistic people exist? Absolutely. Is there abuse in relationships? Absolutely. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about someone where every person they’ve ever dated had something wrong, but not them. And ironically, if everyone you’ve ever dated has the problems, but not you, that’s narcissism. We’re all humans, we’re all works in progress, we’re not perfect, and I think the imperfections are actually what cause us to bond and connect with people.
Red Flag #5: Dating Someone’s Potential, Not Their Reality
I was reading a book from a famous marriage counselor, and he said that this was one of the biggest red flags he sees in couples therapy—when people are trying to date an idea of someone and not the person in front of them. I call this one the Fixer-Upper, where you’re dating someone for their potential, and you want to be with them for the potential of what they could be, so you overlook a lot of the red flags staring right in front of you. There’s a misconception that problems will go away as soon as you get married to someone. I don’t think that’s actually true. I think that a lot of the problems you have before the relationship don’t just get solved overnight when you flip a switch and now you’re legally married; they still exist. When you get in a relationship, you have rose-colored glasses on; it’s like being drunk, literally like drunk on the passion of the romance, and it’s really hard to think objectively. You think subjectively through the lens of your emotions, your heightened emotions, your peak state that you’re in, and that’s why we overlook a lot of these red flags in the beginning that were, again, staring us straight in front of the face. But your friends, your family, the people around you—they’re outside the relationship, they’re more objective. It’s actually easier for them to see what’s going on because they’re not so close, and they don’t have the glasses on. There’s some great advice out there in self-improvement that says if you keep hearing the same feedback about yourself, then it’s probably true. On that note, I think the same advice applies to relationships. If you keep hearing negative feedback or opinions or things from people outside your relationship that you trust and you respect—your friends, your family, people who know you really well—when they meet your partner, it might be true.
Quote: “Love blinds you, but friends see the red flags clearly.”
Red Flag #6: Misaligned Core Values
I’ve always said that love might fade, but values don’t. If the person you’re getting serious with and dating, they’re not on the same page with things that are really important to you, that is a red flag that is going to cause problems down the road. That’s not just going to go away on its own. For example, do they want kids? What are your views on kids? How do you want to raise kids? Big, important question. Even things now like politics, political beliefs—if that’s really important to you—what’s considered cheating? What are boundaries in your relationship? These are all really good questions that you should discuss now. Yeah, you don’t have to agree on every single thing to make a relationship work, but the more on-paper things you have in common with that person, it sure as hell makes it a lot easier. It’s not this uphill battle of you trying to change them and them trying to change you, like this tug-of-war match where you’re trying to get them to be more like you, and they’re trying to get you to believe what they believe. That puts a you-versus-them frame, a right-versus-wrong. So if you’re on the same page with a lot of these core, fundamental things, man, as someone who’s been in relationships where I was and I wasn’t on the same page on paper with someone, it is 10 times easier and smoother and better when you are. Keeping context here, the vibe of where you are in the relationship—like bringing that stuff up in week one might be a little too extreme, too fast, too soon. But trickle them out over time and try to fish out what their core values are. I will say here that the younger you are, the more malleable these are. So if you’re in your 20s, well, you spend five, ten years with someone, eventually you’re gonna start to sync up on a lot more. But you have to know what they are. So I’d highly recommend you make a list of your core values and your non-negotiables—like, if you could literally just agree on four things on any area, but these four things are like 10 out of 10 important to you, what are those? And now you know what to look for when you’re dating someone or getting serious in a relationship.
Quote: “Shared values build stronger, lasting relationships over time.”
Red Flag #7: They Don’t Bring Out Your Best Self
This one’s probably the most important one, and that is, does this person bring out the best version of you, the highest self, or do they kind of feed into the lowest self and hold you back? It’ll often show up in little things, like, do they encourage you to go to the gym, or do they encourage you to stay home and skip leg day? Does she get mad when you make plans with your friends, or does she encourage you to go out and be social? Does he let you be your true self? Is he inspired when you’re inspired, and you’re trying something new, and you want to learn a new hobby, or you get really passionate about something that you heard, and you want to share it with them—do they build you up, or do they kind of tear you down and say that’s stupid? Are you proud of the man you are around her? Does she bring out the 2.0 you, or do they drag you and keep you in that 1.0? So now you know what to watch out for, but what are the green flags? What are the good signs that you got a good thing with this person? What I’ll do now is suggest checking out additional resources for the best pieces of relationship advice no one ever told you.
Conclusion: Building Healthier Relationships
By recognizing these red flags early, you can avoid heartache and build stronger, healthier relationships. Pay attention to your partner’s friends, their past behaviors, social media habits, how they discuss exes, and whether they align with your values. Most importantly, ensure they bring out the best in you. For more insights, explore related resources on relationship green flags and advice for lasting love.
FAQ: Common Questions About Relationship Red Flags
What are the top red flags to watch for in a new relationship?
Warning signs like sketchy friends, a history of infidelity without accountability, and obsession with social media validation are critical red flags to watch for in a new relationship.
How can I tell if my partner’s friends are a bad influence?
If you get a bad gut feeling about your partner’s close circle, it could indicate their true character, as you are the average of the five people you hang around most.
Why is a partner’s obsession with social media a red flag?
An obsession with posting for validation on social media can indicate unhealthy self-esteem and unrealistic expectations, which may strain a relationship.
How do I know if my partner’s values align with mine?
Discuss core topics like kids, politics, and boundaries early on to ensure alignment, as misaligned values can lead to long-term conflicts.
What does it mean if my partner always blames their exes?
If every ex is labeled toxic or narcissistic, it may reflect a lack of self-reflection, which is a red flag for potential narcissistic behavior.
How can I avoid dating someone’s potential instead of their reality?
Focus on the person in front of you, not their potential, and listen to objective feedback from trusted friends and family to avoid overlooking red flags.
Why is it important for a partner to bring out my best self?
A partner who encourages your growth and inspires your best self fosters a healthier, more fulfilling relationship, while one who holds you back can hinder personal development.
Anshu Pathak is a passionate writer and avid reader whose love for stories shapes her world. With a heart full of imagination, she weaves tales that resonate with emotion and depth. When she’s not crafting her next piece, you can find her lost in the pages of a novel, exploring new worlds and perspectives. At Moodframe Space, Anshu shares her creative journey, offering insights, stories, and reflections that inspire and connect with readers everywhere.
