Are you unknowingly undermining your confidence with everyday habits? Many people wonder, “Can being too polite and too humble actually make you feel less confident or make other people see you as less confident?” The answer lies in two common behaviors that might be secretly eroding your self-assurance. In this article, we’ll explore these habits—over-apologizing and downplaying compliments—and provide practical tips to help you build confidence. Stay with us to learn actionable steps and discover the story that inspired this insight.
Habit 1: Over-Apologizing and Softening Requests
The Problem with Over-Apologizing
Have you ever noticed how often we use the word sorry even when nothing is really wrong? Phrases like “Sorry to bother you,” “Sorry for asking,” or “Sorry to take a bit of your time” are common, but they can have a surprising impact. We say sorry out of habit and it sounds polite, right? But what happens when we overuse it? When you usually start a conversation with words like sorry, you start with a lower power word, a word that by default signals that something is wrong.
Research shows that regularly saying sorry for minor things like asking a question or making a simple request can actually lower your confidence and reinforce feelings of low self-worth. It can also make you less assertive, which means you stop speaking up. You stop standing up for yourself, including your opinions, your needs, and even your boundaries. The more you say words like sorry, the more you internalize the idea that you’re always at fault, signaling, “I’m an inconvenience, I’m a burden, I’m getting in the way, I’m bothering them, I’m taking up space that I shouldn’t be taking.” And slowly, this becomes your own inner story.
Your brain believes the words you repeat. That someone is your brain, and it’s actually taking it personally. Words have a psychological impact on us. They shape our thoughts, our emotions, and our behaviors. And the words we repeat the most can affect how we see ourselves, and also how others see us. It doesn’t just change how you sound, it changes how you feel about yourself. And it somehow shrinks your presence even before you speak your thoughts.
How to Stop Over-Apologizing
Here are three simple steps to stop over-apologizing unnecessarily:
- Start Noticing: Catch yourself in the moment because you can’t change what you don’t notice. Ask yourself, “Do I say sorry for anything and everything? Did I do that today? Do I actually need to say sorry in this situation?” Awareness is your first shift.
- Change Your Words: Instead of “Sorry to bother you,” simply say “Excuse me.” Instead of “Sorry to ask you this,” try saying “Mind if I ask you a question” or “I’d love to get your thoughts on something if you have a minute.” If you’re someone who says “No worries” a lot, try replacing it with “It’s my pleasure” or “You’re welcome.” And instead of “No problem” when there is really no problem, say “It’s all good” or “Thank you.” Even when you do make a real mistake and you want to own it, instead of saying, “Oh, my bad. I’m sorry. I didn’t notice that,” simply say, “I see what happened here. Thank you for your understanding. I’ll work on it,” or “Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I’ll fix that.”
- Pay Attention to How You Feel: Notice the difference in your tone, in your facial expression, and body language when you replace apology with gratitude or assertiveness. “Sorry I’m late” versus “Thank you for waiting” or “Thank you for your patience.” Do you notice the shift? The difference might seem subtle or small, but it reminds your brain that I’m allowed to take space.
Saying sorry isn’t the problem. Over saying it is. So, choose words that empower you and empower your body so your confidence can shine through.
“Words shape your confidence; choose them wisely to empower yourself.”
Habit 2: Downplaying Compliments and Forgetting to Admire Yourself
Why Downplaying Compliments Hurts Confidence
Have you ever noticed how hard it is for some people to just take a compliment? When someone says, “Wow, you did an amazing job,” do you find yourself smiling nervously and saying, “Oh, that was nothing” or “Anyone could have done that”? Sounds familiar. Saying that once or twice is one thing, but when it becomes a habit, that tiny moment of so-called modesty or humbleness starts to quietly steal your confidence.
If you grew up in an environment or a culture where standing out wasn’t really encouraged, like in an Asian or Middle Eastern collectivistic society, then getting a compliment or talking about your achievements might feel uncomfortable. And if you’re a high achiever, you might not even feel like you did anything special. It’s just your normal. You move fast. You juggle a million things. And when someone says, “Wow, that was impressive,” your brain goes, “That really? That’s just part of my Tuesday.”
When you always brush off compliments, your brain starts skipping over your wins completely. According to research on self-perception and neural reinforcement, every time we downplay a success, regardless of how small or big, we’re training our brain not to register it. We’re telling it this doesn’t count. And if your brain never gets to count the wins, it never builds the confidence that comes with them. You stop seeing your impact. You forget how far you’ve come. And you lose the internal proof that says, “Yes, I’m capable. Yes, it’s okay to celebrate me.” And here’s the irony: We admire others all the time. But when we are given the chance to be admired and appreciated, we shy away from it. So why are you leaving yourself out? You deserve to be acknowledged and celebrated.
How to Accept Compliments Confidently
Start small. When someone gives you a compliment, train yourself to at least say, “Thank you.” That’s it. Take it in. And if you have the urge to follow with something, do not follow with the word “but.” Don’t say “Thank you but it’s just luck” or “Thank you but it’s just nothing.” Don’t half receive it. Don’t twist it around from accepting then dismissing. Even if it was a group effort, acknowledge your part. Instead of saying “Thanks but it was the team,” say “Thank you and I’m proud of how we all work together to make it happen.”
Here are a few simple phrases you can use:
- “Thank you for noticing. That is considered of you.”
- “That is really kind of you.”
- “Thanks. It means a lot to hear that.”
- “I appreciate you for noticing and letting me know.”
And don’t forget to smile because just by receiving the praise, you’re allowing your brain to register the win and you are reinforcing confidence. Bill Treasurer, the author of Courage Goes to Work, says that accepting praise is actually a form of courage because you’re not hiding from it. You’re standing in the truth of what you did. So, be courageous and receive it.
If it still feels awkward to receive praise or to talk about your wins, build the habit of noticing your own achievements. Write them down. Keep a list somewhere of the things that you do in your notes app, your planner, your calendar, even if it’s part of your normal, even if no one actually sees it. Let your brain get used to counting your wins and be proud. Remember, modesty is beautiful, but when it’s overdone, it starts messing with your mastery, and you deserve to shine just as much as anyone else.
“Accepting compliments builds confidence by celebrating your wins.”
The Story That Sparked This Insight
I was at the bank the other day waiting for my turn when a woman walked in and quietly sat across the room. From the moment she entered, she kept saying, “Sorry, sorry. Can I sit here?” even though the waiting area was almost empty. “Sorry for asking, but you know what time it is?” Even when she dropped her sweater, she said, “Sorry,” as if her presence was somehow a problem. A few minutes later, I complimented her. I said, “The color of your sweater really suits your skin.” She gave a quick uncomfortable smile and said, “Ah, really? It’s just my daily sweater. Nothing special.” Then she turned her head away. That’s when the woman sitting next to me leaned in and said, “Nice people aren’t confident.”
Maybe the other woman was just having one of those days, but the impression she left was of someone who didn’t feel okay taking up space, even when space was clearly available. So, here’s your reminder: Think before you say sorry and save it for when it’s truly needed. Say thank you when someone compliments you and let it land. And cheer for others, but don’t forget to cheer for yourself, too. Because you’re doing better than you think. And when you’re kind to you, you’re not just being nice, you’re teaching your brain how to believe in you. And you’re building real confidence.
“Kindness to yourself builds confidence that shines outward.”
Key Takeaways for Building Confidence
There you have it. Being nice and kind is awesome, but being so nice and kind to everyone else that you don’t notice how you’re being unkind to yourself, that’s where confidence starts to fade. Nice people are not confident. You think so? That’s what someone told me the other day and it made me really wonder. By addressing habits like over-apologizing and downplaying compliments, you can take control of your confidence. Start noticing your words, choose empowering phrases, and accept praise graciously. These small changes can make a big difference in how you see yourself and how others perceive you.
If this hits home, consider sharing this article with someone who might benefit. And always remember, you’ve got this.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Why do nice people struggle with confidence?
Nice people are not confident. You think so? That’s what someone told me the other day and it made me really wonder. Over-apologising and downplaying compliments can reinforce feelings of low self-worth, making it harder to feel confident.
How does over-apologising affect self-confidence?
When you usually start a conversation with words like sorry, you start with a lower power word, a word that by default signals that something is wrong. Research shows that regularly saying sorry for minor things can actually lower your confidence and reinforce feelings of low self-worth.
What are some alternatives to saying “sorry” unnecessarily?
Instead of “Sorry to bother you,” simply say “Excuse me.” Instead of “Sorry to ask you this,” try saying “Mind if I ask you a question” or “I’d love to get your thoughts on something if you have a minute.” These phrases maintain respect while boosting confidence.
Why is it hard to accept compliments?
If you grew up in an environment or a culture where standing out wasn’t really encouraged, like in an Asian or Middle Eastern collectivistic society, then getting a compliment or talking about your achievements might feel uncomfortable. Downplaying compliments can also stem from a habit of modesty.
How can I learn to accept compliments confidently?
When someone compliments you, train yourself to at least say, “Thank you.” Avoid following with “but” to dismiss it. Use phrases like “Thank you for noticing. That is considerate of you” or “I appreciate you for noticing and letting me know” to reinforce confidence.
How can I track my achievements to build confidence?
Build the habit of noticing your own achievements. Write them down. Keep a list somewhere of the things that you do in your notes app, your planner, your calendar, even if it’s part of your normal, even if no one actually sees it.
Why is accepting praise considered courageous?
Bill Treasurer, the author of Courage Goes to Work, says that accepting praise is actually a form of courage because you’re not hiding from it. You’re standing in the truth of what you did.
Anshu Pathak is a passionate writer and avid reader whose love for stories shapes her world. With a heart full of imagination, she weaves tales that resonate with emotion and depth. When she’s not crafting her next piece, you can find her lost in the pages of a novel, exploring new worlds and perspectives. At Moodframe Space, Anshu shares her creative journey, offering insights, stories, and reflections that inspire and connect with readers everywhere.
