Dealing with difficult people is a common challenge in both personal and professional settings. Whether it’s a negative coworker, an overbearing family member, or a passive friend, understanding how to navigate these interactions can make all the difference. In this article, we’ll explore expert insights from Vanessa Van Edwards, author of Human Lie Detection and Body Language 101, on identifying and managing difficult personalities effectively.
Identifying the Four Types of Difficult People
When you think about that person in your life and usually people have someone they’re like oh I know the difficult person right the first step is to identify which type do they fall into. There’s four main types of difficult people and by the way on our worst day we all fall into one of these types right. Here are the four types:
1. Downers: The Negative Nancys
So the first one is Downers so negative NES Debbie downers they complain they come into the room and it’s like the energy just drops out of the room absolutely they complain a lot that kind of bucket right. These individuals can drain the positivity from any situation, making it critical to manage their impact on your energy.
2. Better Thans: The Show-Offs
The second bucket is better than so these are show offs people who name drop um I always say they one up so it’s some you know like you have a story you went to Italy and blah blah and then someone say oh yeah they I it even longer it was even better right so they always like if you have something good they have something better if you have something big they have something bigger right one up um they name drop things they just they when people feel un low confidence this is what they do to make themselves feel better so they feel like they have to be better then right. Their need to outshine others often stems from insecurity.
3. Passives: The Silent Types
The third type are passives so this happens typically when people are so low confident that they don’t have a voice so they don’t make decisions right you ask them so what do you want to do whatever you want um they can be a little diff little difficult in conversation um you ask them a question they have a one-w answer right they don’t ask you anything back they’re very passive um it’s usually because they’re afraid they don’t think they’re worth it right. Their lack of engagement can make interactions feel one-sided.
4. Tanks: The Control Freaks
The fourth uh difficult type of person is um downers passives uppers oh and um tanks yeah so tanks are the ones where um they can get really angry kind of explosive um they can be called bossy which I think is a band word these days we’re not supposed to use boss yeah we’re not supposed to use bossy so they kind of come in and they want to be a control freak they’re like I want to take control of the situation um so they can be very emotional that’s the cue you want to watch out for. Their need for control can make them challenging to work with.
Strategies for Handling Difficult People
Once you identify the type of person that you’re dealing with the second step and this is the biggest mistake is you can’t try to fix them right right you have to adjust to them don’t you right you have to adjust to them the problem is is if you try to tell a tank to calm down they usually freak out even more if you tell a passive to speak up that makes them even more shy so if you try to fix them that usually makes them even more uncomfortable sure. Instead, focus on adapting your approach to their behavior.
Understand Their Value Language
So the better thing to do is step three and that’s to try to understand them so if you can shift the mindset from I don’t want to fix them retain them I want to understand where they’re coming from I call this finding their value language so everyone has a value language this is something that they um it drives their actions it’s what they hold most dear so it could be be um knowledge they want to know everything or it could be um money that they want huge amounts of financial success do they all have the same kind of language I mean does the tank always have the same kind of language so typically like better than are noit alls typically that goes long but not always um typically passives uh usually they want to um be in control their relationships okay so like to know um the people in the room so figure out and you can do this by asking really open-ended questions to figure out what is driving them that will usually calm them down.
Understanding their value language fosters empathy and reduces conflict.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Well give me an example of a question I would ask a tank say sure so let’s say that you have a tank and you can see that they’re kind of in control mode like they’re walking around they’re trying to control everything you can say so um so tell me what’s been going on for you or instead of asking like how are you doing or how’s work you can say so are there any issues that are bothering you or what personal passion projects are you working on okay those kind of deeper questions can usually get them out of that uh overbearing mode and into discussion with you.
Set Boundaries to Avoid Toxicity
And that leads you perfectly into the fourth so you’ve Iden IFI the type um you’ve uh said you’re not going to fix them you are trying to understand them the last one is to make sure they’re not toxic to you oh good point right so this is all about you now so making sure you have boundaries set on time Li because the downer can really bring you down it just sucks the energy out of it so you go okay you know what I can’t bring that down or friend to a party or if I have a party I can only talk to them in limited doses or there are safe topics so for tanks you might have someone who when they get around a certain topic they get really upset you know that is a no-go topic for them so don’t talk to Tank about politics right exactly or if it’s family members so if you have people that they’re difficult but you have to spend time around them that you’re only spending time with them on their best days so you know that you know what they’re not good in social situations they’re much better one-on-one right we’re better off going to a meal or going to coffee so setting up limits either on time or topics so that they don’t become toxic to you and that makes it a lot more manageable.
Avoid the Chameleon Effect
Do you also have to watch not getting caught up in their I mean getting caught up in their drama yeah so what’s interesting is there’s something that called it’s called chameleon isation right so we become like the person we’re with and so with difficult people you have to be so careful that when you’re with that Debbie Downer you don’t also get into that critical gossipy complaining and it’s easy to do oh it’s so cuz we want to be congenial and so we’re like oh if we’re angry like them like a tank or if we’re really quiet and a passive but actually that makes them feel even worse because you’re both getting into this really bad area if you can just go into understanding mode they actually will come out of their shell and they they go into their best self and the passive the same way if you can do that passive the same way CU most people try to fix passives like one of my good friends she’s just very very shy and so people always tell her speak up oh yeah and that makes her even more shy so if you ask really specific directed questions about what you know what kind of personal passion project she’s working get her talking about things she’s excited about then she’s like and she can relax and she becomes more active.
Stay mindful to avoid mirroring negative behaviors.
Conclusion
Wow really interesting stuff Vanessa thank you very much again your book is titled the human lie detector body language 101 uh thank you so much always good to chat with you. By applying these strategies—identifying the type, avoiding the urge to fix, understanding their motivations, and setting boundaries—you can transform challenging interactions into manageable ones.
FAQ: Long-Tail Questions on Handling Difficult People
How to deal with difficult people in the workplace?
Identify their type (Downer, Better Than, Passive, or Tank), understand their value language through open-ended questions, and set boundaries to avoid toxicity.
What are the four types of difficult people according to Vanessa Van Edwards?
The four types are Downers (negative complainers), Better Thans (show-offs who one-up), Passives (low-confidence individuals with minimal engagement), and Tanks (controlling and emotional).
How to avoid getting caught up in someone’s negative behavior?
Avoid the chameleon effect by staying in understanding mode, asking specific questions, and not mirroring their negative or dramatic behavior.
What is a value language in dealing with difficult people?
A value language is what drives someone’s actions, like knowledge, money, or relationships, and understanding it helps calm them and improve interactions.
How to set boundaries with difficult family members?
Limit time or topics, such as avoiding sensitive subjects like politics with Tanks or spending one-on-one time instead of group settings.
Why shouldn’t you try to fix difficult people?
Trying to fix them, like telling a Tank to calm down or a Passive to speak up, often makes them more uncomfortable and escalates the situation.
What questions to ask a controlling person to calm them down?
Ask open-ended questions like “What’s been going on for you?” or “What personal passion projects are you working on?” to shift them out of control mode.
Anshu Pathak is a passionate writer and avid reader whose love for stories shapes her world. With a heart full of imagination, she weaves tales that resonate with emotion and depth. When she’s not crafting her next piece, you can find her lost in the pages of a novel, exploring new worlds and perspectives. At Moodframe Space, Anshu shares her creative journey, offering insights, stories, and reflections that inspire and connect with readers everywhere.