Do Long-Distance Relationships Last? Research Insights and Tips for Success

Hi everyone, and today we’re going to be talking about a couple of studies on long-distance relationships—specifically, do they last, which ones last, which ones don’t, what can you do to make them last, and what can you do when the relationship goes from long distance to geographically close to help strengthen it. Below, we dive into key research findings, clinical observations, and practical tips for couples in long-distance relationships (LDRs) or those transitioning to being geographically close.

Key Findings from Long-Distance Relationship Research

The older literature is contradictory, but more recent research suggests that long-distance relationships are just as strong or sometimes even stronger than geographically close relationships. It is not the geographical closeness that matters for determining whether a couple is going to last or how satisfied they are with each other, but rather these subjective experiences and attitudes of the partners involved in it. Here are the main insights:

• Comparable Success Rates: Long-distance relationships break up at similar rates to geographically close relationships. They’re just as in love, they’re just as satisfied, they have even lower levels of aggression and better levels of communication.
• Face-to-Face Time Builds Trust: More face-to-face time is associated with increased trust. If you’re trying to decide between seeing them next week or seeing them the following week, go for the next week.
• Greater Distance, Better Outcomes: Paradoxically, one of the studies said that greater distance is correlated with better outcomes for relationships. Researchers suggest maybe it’s due to cognitive dissonance, maybe the distance helps people idealize their partner more, or maybe they are investing in other parts of the relationship more because they’re afar. When you’re far away, the time that you do get to spend together feels more precious, it’s cherished more.
• Idealization Effect: When you’re further away, you don’t get to see your partner in everyday life, and so it’s easier to idealize them. You don’t get to see their flaws up close and personal, you can kind of picture them however you want to picture them.
• Certainty About the Future: A higher amount of certainty about what the future looks like, who is going to move where, when is the long-distance piece of the relationship going to end—that is associated with better outcomes.
• Positive Attitudes: People who believed that long-distance relationships can work and that they can be just as healthy and happy, they tended to have happier relationships in turn. They had high rates of relationship satisfaction and better communication.
• Managing Distress: Those who manage their own psychological distress and who help their partner also manage theirs have lower amounts of overall distress in the relationship and higher amounts of relationship quality.

Challenges When Transitioning to Geographically Close

When long-distance relationships turn into geographically close relationships, that is a huge turning point for these couples. About half of long-distance relationships end up breaking up and have stayed together, which is more or less typical for geographically close relationships as well. Of the ones who moved to the same place, about a third break up within three months of being in the same place. Here’s why:

• Loss of Autonomy: People in this position often mention missing the novelty and the autonomy that came with being in a long-distance relationship. They no longer have as much freedom or privacy, they feel controlled, they feel like they need to check in with their partner.
• Rediscovering Flaws: Couples that bridge that distance also find that they rediscover their partner, both positive and negative traits. They discover things that were special about their partner that maybe they didn’t realize, but they also start to see their partner’s flaws on display a lot more. You can’t idealize someone quite as well if they’re right in front of you.
• Increased Responsibilities: People find it a lot more difficult to balance the relationship with their other responsibilities now. Before, they don’t need to carve out as much time to see their partner, but now that they’re living in the same place, they have to keep into account the relationship as well, and that can add an additional responsibility.
• Conflict and Jealousy: This turning point is also associated with increased conflict and increased jealousy. Now that you are in the same location, you can maybe meet your partner’s friends, see how they spend their time, see how they interact with other people. That is a lot of opportunity for jealousy to form.
• Missing LDR Benefits: The vast majority of couples experiencing this turning point, about 85 percent, say that they miss at least one aspect of the long-distance nature of the relationship, whether it’s the closeness that they got, ironically, by being distant, the anticipation, or novelty, autonomy, time management ease.

Overall, the study talks about how moving to the same place is neither positive nor negative, it is a mix of both for most people, and there is that tension between connection and autonomy.

FAQ: Common Questions About Long-Distance Relationships

1. Do Long-Distance Relationships Actually Last?

Long-distance relationships break up at similar rates to geographically close relationships. Your relationship is not doomed to fail if you are in a long-distance relationship—you have the same chance of making it as non-long-distance relationships do.

2. What Makes a Long-Distance Relationship Successful?

• Frequent Visits: More face-to-face time is associated with increased trust.
• Clear Plans: A higher amount of certainty about what the future looks like, who is going to move where, when is the long-distance piece of the relationship going to end.
• Positive Mindset: People who believed that long-distance relationships can work and that they can be just as healthy and happy, they tended to have happier relationships in turn.
• Emotional Resilience: Those who manage their own psychological distress and who help their partner also manage theirs have lower amounts of overall distress in the relationship.

3. Why Do Some Long-Distance Relationships Fail When Couples Move Closer?

Of the ones who moved to the same place, about a third break up within three months of being in the same place. New issues appear, like missing the novelty and autonomy, feeling controlled, rediscovering flaws, increased conflict, jealousy, and difficulty balancing responsibilities.

4. How Can Couples Prepare for the Transition to Being Geographically Close?

• Set Realistic Expectations: Be prepared to deal with some of the scheduling difficulties that come with living in the same location as your partner. Understand that this is a full-fledged human being, they’re going to have some flaws.
• Communicate Openly: Have very open conversations about when you’re going to live in the same place and where that’s going to be. Try to find common goals and solutions together.
• Embrace Change: Be prepared to feel like you’re rediscovering your partner, both the great parts and the not-so-great parts. The image they may have portrayed for themselves electronically or the image that you had of them in your head might be romanticized.
• Plan for Challenges: Be prepared for increased conflict and jealousy. This transitional period can result in either the escalation or the de-escalation of this relationship.

5. Can Distance Strengthen a Relationship?

Separation can actually strengthen a relationship—it can make quality time feel a lot more special. When you’re far away, the time that you do get to spend together feels more precious, it’s cherished more. However, once you become geographically close, things that maybe you didn’t know about them become apparent, and it doesn’t matter how emotionally intimate you were when you weren’t that close with them.

6. Should You Stay Long-Distance Forever?

I don’t know many people that enjoy the longing for their partner that comes with being long distance, but let me know if this is something that you would ever do, if you would reap the benefits of being long distance forever with someone. Don’t keep it in a long-distance relationship indefinitely, because this might mean that it works right now while you’re long distance, but that’s not necessarily going to make you last once you’re in the same location.

Clinical Observations: Insights from Therapy

What have I noticed as a therapist working with largely young adults who tend to be in long-distance relationships more than older adults? If neither person wants to budge on where they want to live, on how they are going to close that distance between them, there is very little you can do to save a relationship. When they realize that neither person is willing to budge, the relationship ends because there’s not much else you can do—it’s really just a matter of delaying the breakup. There’s a ton of power struggle between deciding who gets to move where. The decision itself also reflects a lot of the power dynamics in the relationship. If one person tends to call all the shots and the other is more submissive, that becomes apparent in the way that they manage this turning point. I do think that the distance can prolong that idealization phase that we associate with the honeymoon phase, but that idealization doesn’t always result in long-term commitment.

Tips for Strengthening Any Relationship (LDR or Not)

Your attitude on this matters way more than the objective statistics, it matters more than how far away you are from your partner or who moves where. Here are tips to strengthen your relationship, whether long-distance or not:

• Get Face-to-Face Time: Do try to get as much face-to-face time as possible and to visit each other frequently.
• Plan Together: Have very open conversations about when you’re going to live in the same place and where that’s going to be. Try to find common goals and solutions together.
• Embrace Time Apart: Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Don’t be afraid of those work trips or those girls’ nights or those Sunday brunches—those give you an opportunity to come back to your partner and share something interesting with them.
• Prioritize Quality Time: When you do spend time together, make sure that it is quality time together and that it deepens your connection, not just mindlessly scrolling on TikTok.
• Keep Things Exciting: Make sure that that anticipation and novelty is there even when you’re in the same location, whether it’s trying out new activities, flirting throughout the day in anticipation for a date, or talking about how excited you are for your plans.
• Respect Autonomy: Respect each other’s autonomy, respect that the other person is going to have responsibilities and that you do as well, and time management might be a little bit of a workaround sometimes.

Questions for You

Have you been or are you in a long-distance relationship? What is it like, what was the outcome of that, or if you don’t know, what do you think it might be? Did you resonate with the findings of these studies? Specifically, I think I’m most curious about that transition from long distance to geographically close—if you made it to that stage, how did it change your relationship? Did you last or not? Feel free to answer these if they resonate with you!