Relationship

Hello everyone, I am widely known for helping people find love. In this article, I answer your questions about relationships, drawing from a recent Q&A session where I addressed topics like starting a long-distance relationship, finding love in your 40s and 50s, and moving on from unrequited feelings. These insights are designed to help you navigate your love life with confidence. For more free advice, sign up for my newsletter, where I send out practical wisdom and ideas every Friday to help you find love or heal from lost love—it’s completely free, and I’ll leave a link in the description for you to join us!

1. What Are Your Top Tips for Starting a Long-Distance Relationship?

Question from Kelly Mares: What are your top tips to starting a long-distance relationship?

Answer: Firstly, be very careful about when you start calling it a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with meeting someone online through the apps, someone long distance, and having this kind of fun, flirtatious connection that starts to build, but in that time period, it probably isn’t the right thing to call it a relationship unless you’ve explicitly had that conversation. It would be strange if you had it too soon—could even be a red flag if someone is saying that to you too soon. Don’t let the desire turn into a reality in your mind that you’re now in a relationship when the two of you have never actually had that conversation, because I’ve watched many, many hundreds of people give to this situation like it’s a relationship, be exclusive, give time, give energy, give effort, make trips, when the other person is not behaving like they’re in a relationship at all, and they never really had that conversation—it just became this assumption.

If you feel you’re in a relationship, I would start by having the conversation so that you’re both on the same terms: “Hey, do we both feel the same way? For me to continue giving to this, it would have to be on the basis that we’re really giving this a try as a relationship and that it’s an exclusive one.” Once you set the ground rules for that, okay, both of you have said yes to that, now you’re in a long-distance relationship, and at that point, it becomes a kind of “how do we navigate the difficulty of something that feels wholly unnatural, which is we’re trying to have an intimate relationship at a geographical distance?”

Firstly, there has to be a time on the horizon where you know you’re going to see each other—you’ve got to have something to look forward to. As the relationship progresses, I would argue that there needs to be some kind of a vision for how you’re going to solve that issue in a sustainable way. You know, what does this look like in a year, in two years? Are we actually going to be in the same place? That doesn’t have to happen on day one, but there does gradually start to have to be a vision for, you know, how does this problem get solved? Otherwise, we’re in a relationship where neither of us are actually taking on the reality that we haven’t solved it, and maybe we haven’t solved it because neither one of us is actually willing to do what it takes to permanently solve this situation.

In the meantime, when you’re trying to navigate it, I would say mixing up the energy that we bring to the table is very important. It’s very easy for us to say, “I am long distance, so the kind of energy I give when I’m in the same room as someone, especially romantically, is off the table.” Instead, I’m just going to do what I can do, which is have very long, in-depth conversations, but if you think of any relationship where all it is is one note of very long, in-depth conversations, eventually it’s going to get boring, it’s going to get stale, it’s going to feel staid. So we have to mix up our energy. Are you being flirtatious? Are you still bringing your sexuality to the table, obviously in ways that feel safe to you? Sending nudes and things like that represents real challenges and risks when it comes to potentially breaking up with someone or someone you can’t trust, so that’s a whole different subject, but still bringing your sexual energy to the table, still bringing your playful energy to the table. Can you have a 60-second funny voice note or call, and a three-hour spending the evening together talking for that long? Can you be both?

The last thing I’ll say about this is there’s being together in conversation, and there’s being together in company. When you think about a relationship, sometimes you’re having conversation, and that’s quality time; other times, you’re just in company with someone—you’re sitting next to each other on a sofa, reading or watching a movie. It would be hard work if quality time always meant being in conversation. If someone learns to associate that the only way to connect with you is to have conversations with you, they’re going to start to feel the stakes are really high anytime they want to be with you or around you because it’s going to involve trying to have a conversation, and you know, at a certain point, you will run out of things to talk about—that’s just natural. So it might be time to be in company with them. That might mean hitting play on a movie at the same time from a long distance and watching a movie together and then talking about the movie afterwards. Don’t just be conversation—pick times to be in company, and that will lower the stakes for the time that you spend together. It also means that time spent together doesn’t always have to mean time away from other obligations and responsibilities that both of you have.

2. Is There a Connection Between Physical Pain and Love or Vulnerability?

Question from Glory Be Free: Do you see a connection between the physical pain you endured and the new found level of love and vulnerability you orient from?

Answer: Firstly, that’s a lovely compliment—thank you. For those of you that don’t know, I write in my new book Love Life about my own journey with physical chronic pain and how it lasted for many years—part of that I still have, so it’s not completely gone away. It certainly did kind of crack me open. I think every challenge we have, every challenge I’ve ever had in life, has been an invitation to a greater degree of compassion, not just for myself but for other people, because I think every time we go through a challenge, we get more connected to what other people go through in life if we can kind of widen our lens and not just see it as our pain, ‘cause of course none of our pain is original—other people have experienced it, are experiencing it. I always find any challenge gives me a window into the challenges that other people have faced or are facing, and that’s made me a more compassionate, loving, humble person every single time.

My chronic pain was, I suppose, in some ways my first encounter with something that truly made me miserable that I didn’t know how to change. I didn’t know how to make it go away, and I had to change my relationship with it, and that was one of the most humbling experiences of my entire life and was also, in many ways—and I’m not someone who throws this word around lightly—it was a spiritual experience to come to a place of acceptance with that. So yes, I think that probably, I don’t think it’s the only thing that’s made me loving and vulnerable, but I do think it gave me access to a depth I hadn’t had access to before when I felt like I could always fix my problems, and in this case, I couldn’t fix it. I had to change the impact it was having on me by changing my relationship with the challenge itself.

3. Why Am I Obsessed with Looking for Things Wrong in My Relationships?

Question from Marie Cooper 35: Why am I so obsessed with looking for things wrong in my relationships, things that will hurt my heart, like looking at their exes on social media and then overanalyzing everything?

Answer: On one hand, it might be that there’s a familiarity for you in looking for those kinds of things, that simply sitting back and enjoying the peace that you might feel right now is deeply uncomfortable and it’s unfamiliar, which is why it’s uncomfortable. Instead, going and looking for something that creates drama, gives you something to feel jealous about, gives you something to feel insecure about, is much more familiar, and we’re drawn to what’s familiar, not necessarily to what makes us happy.

I want you to imagine that so far in life, your behavior in dating is like a vinyl, you know, like an old record, and that the groove in that vinyl that plays the song a certain way has been established, long since established. So when you go on another date or you start seeing someone you like, what happens is you put the needle on that record, and that record starts to play because it’s the groove that you established a long time ago. You don’t necessarily have access to a different record right now to play because you haven’t established those grooves, but you can. It requires conscious practice. It requires awareness of, “Oh, I’m going to look at this person’s profile right now and dig deep into who they’ve been with before or what their exes are like or they have that I don’t,” as a kind of compulsion, because that’s the record that I’ve been used to playing. I’m used to feeling these feelings of jealousy, of anxiety, of tension. I’m not used to not doing that and feeling a sense of peace.

If I become aware as I’m about to do that, that that is a behavior that I feel drawn to, not because they’re doing anything underhanded, not because they’re behaving badly or they’re giving me reason to be suspicious, but because that’s the way the record plays for me, that’s the groove I’ve worn in over time, when we get conscious of that, we become able to take a different path. It may be that that path in the past has served a need, maybe the need to feel safe, and that that hypervigilance that has you looking for problems so that you can go and meet them instead of them surprising you—it’s something that’s made you feel safe; it’s felt like a form of control. But maybe these days, you’re ready to accomplish a feeling of safety in a new and more productive way, for example, in just having trust in yourself that if anything were to come to light that would reveal this person wasn’t a good partner, you would be able to walk away, that you don’t need to anticipate every problem—you just need to show up as the best version of you and pay attention to the present and to what you’re actually seeing from this person, not trying to anticipate everything they could be or do in the future.

4. How Can I Find Love in My 40s and 50s?

Question from Grizzle 101: Would love to hear more tips and advice for dating in our 40s and 50s. Everything seems to be targeted towards the younger generation. Why is it so hard to find love again, and what can we do to become our best self to attract a partner?

Answer: I have always maintained that the things that I say are applicable at every age. I don’t think that, even when I’m talking about things like flirting, often people think, “Oh, that’s, you’re talking to younger people there,” but of course, what makes us attractive at any age is the ability to both be sincere but also be playful, the ability to be flirtatious, to not lose that energy. So I would challenge you to ask yourself, what is the part of what maybe I’m saying that you don’t think applies beyond a certain age? Because I think the fundamentals apply at any age.

If you’re in your 50s and you have come out of a long-term relationship or a divorce or perhaps you’ve just struggled to meet someone in your life, the fundamentals are the same. How active is our life? Is it the kind of life that brings us into contact with other people? A lot of the time, the older we get, the more our life contracts. We get into these routines and rhythms that can become quite staid; they’re very comfortable to us, but they may not be the kinds of routines that actually engage us socially with people that we don’t already know. So, do our lives include communities, environments, events that bring us into contact with new people? Are we being brave in those areas? Because it does require some bravery.

The last thing I would ever tell you is that it’s easy, because the reality is, many people do experience feeling more invisible, feeling like they don’t have nearly the same amount of attention that they had at a different stage of their life. I think, for that reason, we have to find ways of enjoying the process, because otherwise, we’ll never do the things that bring us into contact with opportunity. What are the activities that I might like to do, regardless of whether I meet someone, but by doing those activities, I might actually meet someone? What are the ways I could engineer my life to build myself into more and new communities, that I could meet new single friends, I could meet different types of people than maybe I’ve encountered in the past?

Not over-relying on only one thing, like a dating app. It’s very tempting to get into the comfort of a dating app, but then it can be very demoralizing when we find we’re not getting matches or the kinds of people that are matching with us are people that are sleazy or they’re not our type of person or scamming us, which is very common these days. It could be extremely demoralizing, which is why I say you can do those things, but don’t make it your only source of new people in your life. That’s what we do, again, from a place of comfort and not actually putting ourselves out there in the real world.

I do empathize with what you’re feeling and what you’re going through. It’s hard when we’re not where we want to be at a certain stage in our life, and we feel like it’s gotten harder in the process. But I also want you to entertain the idea that at least a part of that is not all of it—because some of that difficulty is real—but at least a part of it may be a story that we’re telling ourselves about how it’s impossible, it’s never going to happen, or no one is ever going to want us. Instead, consider the idea that if you just woke up into your body right now at the age you are and you felt the desire to meet someone without any of the baggage of the past, you might take a different approach and have a different energy towards going out there and meeting someone, and that energy might be the reason that you do meet someone.

5. How Do I Move On from Someone I Never Dated?

Question from Min Yuni 7: How to move on from someone you have never dated? Feelings for him are so strong that it feels something is dying inside.

Answer: I’ve spoken about this at length in my book Love Life—for anyone who hasn’t got a copy, I strongly advise you read Chapter 2, “How to Tell Love Stories,” because in it, I talk about the value that we’re placing often on the wrong things, that a real relationship is so much more than the story that we invent about how important a person is. I have a much more backwards-looking approach for relationships than forwards-looking. In other words, a forward-looking approach is, “Look at all the potential for this person, look at all the potential for how happy they would make me, look at what we could be together,” and that is, by definition, a projection of a future that does not exist. So we could be right, I guess, but we’re only right if that future that we have anticipated actually happens. If it doesn’t happen, then we were wrong about how important this person was.

Whereas a backwards-looking approach is saying, “Look at how extraordinary this person is who is in my life, all the ways they have shown up for me, look at what we’ve built together—wow, this is an important relationship, wow, this is an important person in my life,” and you don’t need your imagination for that exercise. You are saying it because it’s true, because those are the facts. I would argue that in order for you to feel like something is dying inside right now, you need a lot of imagination, because there’s an imagined idea of how important this person is in your life when they’re not living up to that idea at all, or the two of you would actually be in a thoroughly fulfilling relationship with each other.

Once you realize that your pain is not actually coming from the importance of this person but from the importance of the story in your mind, you can start to see that story for what it is—a story—and separate from it and observe it, kind of in the same way that we do with our thoughts in mindfulness practices, and start to realize that the story is making it painful, not the reality.

6. Why Did He Say He Wanted a Serious Relationship but Then Back Out?

Question from Anna: Why a guy was telling me from the beginning he wants something serious with me, and after 2 and a half months, all of a sudden he said he is not ready for a relationship?

Answer: Well, there could be many reasons for that. Maybe he got over-excited in the beginning and couldn’t back it up. It might be that he himself got excited about the possibility of a relationship, but the reality of a relationship was something that wasn’t really ready for, in which case, after 2 and a half months, he did you a giant favor, ‘cause it’s better that you learn that 2 and a half months in than a year in. That’s the case for a lot of people, is that they get excited in the beginning—especially, it’s a sign of real immaturity. It can also be a sign of manipulation, of course, that’s, you know, telling someone, “I want something serious,” even when I don’t because I just want to get something from you.

But it can also be a sign of immaturity: “Oh my God, I feel so strongly, I’ve never felt like this, I haven’t felt like this in such a long time, you make me feel amazing, I want something serious with you,” especially if he felt like you were kind of, you would only be into him if he wanted something serious, and maybe felt you pull away a little bit, and he was like, “No, no, no, I want something serious with you, I can’t lose you.” There’s an immaturity to that if the reality is he’s not available for a real relationship. When it comes down to it, he starts noticing that a real relationship means that he actually has to get to know you, not just your projection. He has to be known, he has to actually share more about himself instead of just being the heroic version of himself.

When someone who is immature about love and isn’t ready for an actual relationship, just the feeling of a relationship, they may initially get excited, and then when those things start presenting themselves, when having a relationship actually requires a few calories, all of a sudden, they get completely overwhelmed by the reality of a relationship. It sounds like 2 and a half months in, either he had been in manipulation mode or he had been very immature about his version of love or his idea of love, and he couldn’t then back that up when a reality of a relationship presented itself.

The other alternative is that during those two and a half months, he discovered that it wasn’t right for him for whatever reason. That doesn’t mean it’s anything to do with you—can be many, many reasons something isn’t right for someone that aren’t to do with you, and that it was easier to tell you that it turns out he wasn’t ready for a relationship than to tell you that he didn’t want a relationship with you.

The important thing for you to realize is that someone has made clear their intentions. All you need to do is look at the situation and go, “Is there anything I would like to do differently next time? Did I bring my best self to the table?” And if the answer is, “No, I didn’t, I’d like to do some things differently next time,” then this was a gift in giving you that insight. And if the answer is, “No, I brought my best to the table, this person just misled me about their intentions for a relationship or decided I wasn’t right for that relationship,” then I need to grieve the disappointment and keep moving forward, because the right person for me will last longer than 2 and a half months.

Anna, if you haven’t already, I would suggest that you go and check out Dating with Results. It’s a free training that I put together to help you seek out healthy, mature people who are ready for a real relationship, avoid the people who are not, and certainly see the early warning signs that someone is not, and have the conversations along the way that actually lead to something real. For anyone out there dating right now, if you want to date productively, if you don’t want to waste your time, if you want to find the kind of love that you’ve always been looking for instead of just more casual dating or something that presents as very exciting but then disappears as quickly as it came, this will be one of the most valuable hours you could spend for your love life, and it’s free. That’s at Dating with Results—I’ll leave a link in the description for anyone who wants to check that out.

Final Thoughts

I made a commitment a long time ago to deliver free content for everybody on an ongoing basis, and one of the places I do that, in addition to my YouTube channel, is my ongoing newsletter, where I am sending out a free newsletter full of advice, practical wisdom, and ideas that can help you find love or heal from lost love every Friday. Many of you have already signed up—it’s completely free, so if you haven’t already, I’ll leave a link in the description, and you can come join us in that too.

Hi everyone, and today we’re going to be talking about a couple of studies on long-distance relationships—specifically, do they last, which ones last, which ones don’t, what can you do to make them last, and what can you do when the relationship goes from long distance to geographically close to help strengthen it. Below, we dive into key research findings, clinical observations, and practical tips for couples in long-distance relationships (LDRs) or those transitioning to being geographically close.

Key Findings from Long-Distance Relationship Research

The older literature is contradictory, but more recent research suggests that long-distance relationships are just as strong or sometimes even stronger than geographically close relationships. It is not the geographical closeness that matters for determining whether a couple is going to last or how satisfied they are with each other, but rather these subjective experiences and attitudes of the partners involved in it. Here are the main insights:

• Comparable Success Rates: Long-distance relationships break up at similar rates to geographically close relationships. They’re just as in love, they’re just as satisfied, they have even lower levels of aggression and better levels of communication.
• Face-to-Face Time Builds Trust: More face-to-face time is associated with increased trust. If you’re trying to decide between seeing them next week or seeing them the following week, go for the next week.
• Greater Distance, Better Outcomes: Paradoxically, one of the studies said that greater distance is correlated with better outcomes for relationships. Researchers suggest maybe it’s due to cognitive dissonance, maybe the distance helps people idealize their partner more, or maybe they are investing in other parts of the relationship more because they’re afar. When you’re far away, the time that you do get to spend together feels more precious, it’s cherished more.
• Idealization Effect: When you’re further away, you don’t get to see your partner in everyday life, and so it’s easier to idealize them. You don’t get to see their flaws up close and personal, you can kind of picture them however you want to picture them.
• Certainty About the Future: A higher amount of certainty about what the future looks like, who is going to move where, when is the long-distance piece of the relationship going to end—that is associated with better outcomes.
• Positive Attitudes: People who believed that long-distance relationships can work and that they can be just as healthy and happy, they tended to have happier relationships in turn. They had high rates of relationship satisfaction and better communication.
• Managing Distress: Those who manage their own psychological distress and who help their partner also manage theirs have lower amounts of overall distress in the relationship and higher amounts of relationship quality.

Challenges When Transitioning to Geographically Close

When long-distance relationships turn into geographically close relationships, that is a huge turning point for these couples. About half of long-distance relationships end up breaking up and have stayed together, which is more or less typical for geographically close relationships as well. Of the ones who moved to the same place, about a third break up within three months of being in the same place. Here’s why:

• Loss of Autonomy: People in this position often mention missing the novelty and the autonomy that came with being in a long-distance relationship. They no longer have as much freedom or privacy, they feel controlled, they feel like they need to check in with their partner.
• Rediscovering Flaws: Couples that bridge that distance also find that they rediscover their partner, both positive and negative traits. They discover things that were special about their partner that maybe they didn’t realize, but they also start to see their partner’s flaws on display a lot more. You can’t idealize someone quite as well if they’re right in front of you.
• Increased Responsibilities: People find it a lot more difficult to balance the relationship with their other responsibilities now. Before, they don’t need to carve out as much time to see their partner, but now that they’re living in the same place, they have to keep into account the relationship as well, and that can add an additional responsibility.
• Conflict and Jealousy: This turning point is also associated with increased conflict and increased jealousy. Now that you are in the same location, you can maybe meet your partner’s friends, see how they spend their time, see how they interact with other people. That is a lot of opportunity for jealousy to form.
• Missing LDR Benefits: The vast majority of couples experiencing this turning point, about 85 percent, say that they miss at least one aspect of the long-distance nature of the relationship, whether it’s the closeness that they got, ironically, by being distant, the anticipation, or novelty, autonomy, time management ease.

Overall, the study talks about how moving to the same place is neither positive nor negative, it is a mix of both for most people, and there is that tension between connection and autonomy.

FAQ: Common Questions About Long-Distance Relationships

1. Do Long-Distance Relationships Actually Last?

Long-distance relationships break up at similar rates to geographically close relationships. Your relationship is not doomed to fail if you are in a long-distance relationship—you have the same chance of making it as non-long-distance relationships do.

2. What Makes a Long-Distance Relationship Successful?

• Frequent Visits: More face-to-face time is associated with increased trust.
• Clear Plans: A higher amount of certainty about what the future looks like, who is going to move where, when is the long-distance piece of the relationship going to end.
• Positive Mindset: People who believed that long-distance relationships can work and that they can be just as healthy and happy, they tended to have happier relationships in turn.
• Emotional Resilience: Those who manage their own psychological distress and who help their partner also manage theirs have lower amounts of overall distress in the relationship.

3. Why Do Some Long-Distance Relationships Fail When Couples Move Closer?

Of the ones who moved to the same place, about a third break up within three months of being in the same place. New issues appear, like missing the novelty and autonomy, feeling controlled, rediscovering flaws, increased conflict, jealousy, and difficulty balancing responsibilities.

4. How Can Couples Prepare for the Transition to Being Geographically Close?

• Set Realistic Expectations: Be prepared to deal with some of the scheduling difficulties that come with living in the same location as your partner. Understand that this is a full-fledged human being, they’re going to have some flaws.
• Communicate Openly: Have very open conversations about when you’re going to live in the same place and where that’s going to be. Try to find common goals and solutions together.
• Embrace Change: Be prepared to feel like you’re rediscovering your partner, both the great parts and the not-so-great parts. The image they may have portrayed for themselves electronically or the image that you had of them in your head might be romanticized.
• Plan for Challenges: Be prepared for increased conflict and jealousy. This transitional period can result in either the escalation or the de-escalation of this relationship.

5. Can Distance Strengthen a Relationship?

Separation can actually strengthen a relationship—it can make quality time feel a lot more special. When you’re far away, the time that you do get to spend together feels more precious, it’s cherished more. However, once you become geographically close, things that maybe you didn’t know about them become apparent, and it doesn’t matter how emotionally intimate you were when you weren’t that close with them.

6. Should You Stay Long-Distance Forever?

I don’t know many people that enjoy the longing for their partner that comes with being long distance, but let me know if this is something that you would ever do, if you would reap the benefits of being long distance forever with someone. Don’t keep it in a long-distance relationship indefinitely, because this might mean that it works right now while you’re long distance, but that’s not necessarily going to make you last once you’re in the same location.

Clinical Observations: Insights from Therapy

What have I noticed as a therapist working with largely young adults who tend to be in long-distance relationships more than older adults? If neither person wants to budge on where they want to live, on how they are going to close that distance between them, there is very little you can do to save a relationship. When they realize that neither person is willing to budge, the relationship ends because there’s not much else you can do—it’s really just a matter of delaying the breakup. There’s a ton of power struggle between deciding who gets to move where. The decision itself also reflects a lot of the power dynamics in the relationship. If one person tends to call all the shots and the other is more submissive, that becomes apparent in the way that they manage this turning point. I do think that the distance can prolong that idealization phase that we associate with the honeymoon phase, but that idealization doesn’t always result in long-term commitment.

Tips for Strengthening Any Relationship (LDR or Not)

Your attitude on this matters way more than the objective statistics, it matters more than how far away you are from your partner or who moves where. Here are tips to strengthen your relationship, whether long-distance or not:

• Get Face-to-Face Time: Do try to get as much face-to-face time as possible and to visit each other frequently.
• Plan Together: Have very open conversations about when you’re going to live in the same place and where that’s going to be. Try to find common goals and solutions together.
• Embrace Time Apart: Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Don’t be afraid of those work trips or those girls’ nights or those Sunday brunches—those give you an opportunity to come back to your partner and share something interesting with them.
• Prioritize Quality Time: When you do spend time together, make sure that it is quality time together and that it deepens your connection, not just mindlessly scrolling on TikTok.
• Keep Things Exciting: Make sure that that anticipation and novelty is there even when you’re in the same location, whether it’s trying out new activities, flirting throughout the day in anticipation for a date, or talking about how excited you are for your plans.
• Respect Autonomy: Respect each other’s autonomy, respect that the other person is going to have responsibilities and that you do as well, and time management might be a little bit of a workaround sometimes.

Questions for You

Have you been or are you in a long-distance relationship? What is it like, what was the outcome of that, or if you don’t know, what do you think it might be? Did you resonate with the findings of these studies? Specifically, I think I’m most curious about that transition from long distance to geographically close—if you made it to that stage, how did it change your relationship? Did you last or not? Feel free to answer these if they resonate with you!

Exploring the term you might have come across: PDA. It’s an acronym that holds meaning when it comes to public displays of affection. If you’ve ever wondered what PDA stands for and how it impacts dating dynamics, this article is here to provide insights and explanations. So, let’s jump right in!

What Exactly Does PDA Mean in the Context of Dating?

PDA stands for public displays of affection. It refers to physical expressions of affection between partners in a public setting. PDA can take various forms, from holding hands, hugging, and kissing to more intimate gestures like cuddling or even more explicit displays. The level of PDA varies based on the comfort levels of the individuals involved. Some couples might be more open to public affection, while others prefer to keep it private.

How Does PDA Impact Dating Dynamics?

PDA can also be influenced by social and cultural norms. In some cultures or societies, certain levels of affection might be considered more acceptable than others. Respecting each other’s boundaries is crucial when it comes to PDA, so it’s important to discuss comfort levels and ensure both partners are on the same page. For some, engaging in PDA can be a way to express and reinforce the emotional connection, making them feel secure and loved in public spaces.

When engaging in PDA, consider the setting is important. While some places might be more conducive to affection, others might warrant more restraint. It’s also worth considering how PDA might impact those around you, so being mindful of others’ comfort levels is a considerate approach.

Why Is PDA Significant in Relationships?

The key to PDA is authenticity—it should be a genuine expression of affection rather than a show for others. PDA can be a player role in personal and relationship growth. It’s an opportunity to show your appreciation, strengthen your bond, and create shared memories. Remember that striking a balance between public and private displays of affection is essential. Your relationship is unique, and the dynamics that work for you might differ from others.

FAQs About PDA in Dating

What is considered too much PDA?
The definition of “too much” PDA depends on personal, cultural, and situational factors. Excessive displays in inappropriate settings or actions that make others uncomfortable may be seen as too much. Always communicate with your partner and consider the context.

Is PDA necessary in a relationship?
No, PDA is not necessary for a healthy relationship. Some couples enjoy public affection, while others prefer private moments. It’s about what feels authentic for you and your partner.

How can I discuss PDA with my partner?
Have an open conversation about your comfort levels with public affection. Share your preferences, listen to your partner’s, and agree on boundaries that make you both feel respected and valued.

Can PDA strengthen a relationship?
Yes, for some couples, PDA can reinforce emotional connection, create shared memories, and show commitment. However, it’s not essential for every relationship.

Final Thoughts

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Slow Love is a romantic orientation that involves taking a gradual approach to relationships rather than rushing into commitment. It’s like simmering a curry slowly to let the flavors deepen. On the flip side, a culture of superficial expressions of affection and fleeting emotional connections. It can also refer to the idea of falling in love quickly, which is sometimes called Emilia. I didn’t know that! Known as emotional promiscuity, this is a term for people who tend to fall in love quickly and often. People with emop may feel an all-encompassing pass for romantic interest in a short amount of time. Huh!

Slow Love is a romantic approach that favors deep, gradual connection over rushed or fleeting emotional intensity, contrasting with emotional promiscuity, where love happens quickly and often. – Anshu

The Appeal of a Fast-Paced Romance

Lunatic with saying that there is nothing wrong with wanting to experience a fast love. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be understood. Fast love is like a Bollywood dance sequence – thrilling and full of energy. It shows a level of curiosity that wow, this person really wants to get to know me on such a deep de level and curiosity is important. I’m going to use an example. There is a person that can get to know you within weeks. They ask all of the right questions, they start to really understand who you are, but who they are studying is the person that you are at that exact moment.

But there are the side effects of being understood too quickly. There is a difference between cramming for the exam versus fully understanding the subject. It’s so much easier for them to kind of put you in this box of what they studied you to be. Instead of the first example of where they asked all the right questions and they found out who exactly you are, that person may feel like whoa you’re changing it up a little too much, what happened to the person that I used to know you to be? Fast love can trap you in a moment, making it hard to grow.

Fast love can feel thrilling and deeply validating, like a Bollywood dance number, but it risks boxing you into who you were in the moment you were first understood—leaving little room for growth and change. – Anshu

The Depth of a Slow Burn Relationship

Versus the person that has gotten to know you over a span of years and this person has witnessed seeing you change. The second example is able to understand you to such a fundamental level of throughout all of the changes that I have witnessed you go through, these are the points that have stayed the same and I know this is you to your core. Slow love is like a sturdy knot that holds through life’s storms. Versus the fast loves, a knot is still tied, but it can become so undone so quickly with extreme ease. It is upsetting, it’s very upsetting that oh my gosh I thought that I tied such a beautiful bow with this person and you probably did, but the bow is made of silk and although it had the most beautiful presentation, it slipped right from underneath itself. Versus the shipping rope that I have with my slow loves, I have no fear and only trust for the slow loves that I have accumulated.

Slow love is like a strong, weatherproof knot built over time—anchored in deep understanding through change—while fast love, though beautiful and intense, can unravel easily, revealing its fragility. – Anshu

Slow Burn Love as a Sweet Treat

I’d say with maturing, you start to understand how to stop being as indulgent with love the same way how you would with sugar. We love sugar, it’s delicious, it’s a nice treat. Love is like a nice sweet treat, but we want to be able to learn how to pace ourselves because when you take so much of it all at once for an extended amount of time, you’re going to feel sick. We want to avoid feeling sick from our loves. So with slow love, we are practicing patience.

The common denominator between slow love and fast love is that there is the chemistry. I’m not going to take away from The Fast Love that there isn’t a connection there, there definitely is. It’s just what you do with the connection is extremely important. To be honest, rushing love is actually very simple. All you have to do is just lean into the crush of this person or lean into the few things that you do like about them and just exploit it and keep using that as a carrying vessel for the rest of the relationship. It’s very easy to do. But a slow burn relationship lets the connection grow naturally, like a plant nurtured over time.

With maturity, love becomes less about indulgence and more about intention—like pacing sugar intake to avoid the crash—where fast love burns bright but risks overwhelm, while slow love nurtures chemistry with patience, allowing real connection to take root and grow. – Anshu

Balancing Life with a Slow Burn Romance

I’d say that’s what I notice a lot with the fast loves that I’ve experienced as well as observed. A fast love usually puts the rest of our life on hold, while the slow loves, they take such small chunks of time out of our days and we can still eat the rest of what’s on our plate. Like they are the sweet treat at the end of the day, but we still fulfilled the main course, which were our responsibilities and our ambitions. And I’d say that’s a well-balanced meal. We would love to have well-balanced meals as our well-balanced loves. But with the fast loves, it gave us no room left in our bodies to have that love for other things.

Continue on your life as you would because you still want to put time and effort into the goals that you have outside of the relationship. In Indian culture, we value balance – in our food, families, and lives. A slow burn relationship lets you keep chasing your dreams while building a bond that lasts.

Fast love consumes — slow love complements.
One puts life on hold, the other lets you live fully.
In love, like in Indian culture, balance is everything. – Anshu

The Pitfalls of a Fast-Paced Romance

That actually correlates to one of the main reasons as to why I’m scared to fall in love again. Love is consuming. It’s not to say that I don’t want to give this time and energy, the problem is that I do. From the first time that I fell in love, I didn’t know any part of how to keep a well-balanced meal. I only knew how to keep indulging in what felt great. And a couple heartbreaks later, there’s someone here, I was just young and that was to keep leading into this love and forget everything else but to live a little too present.

We love living presently, but you know when you’re eating a cake, it’s like oh this feels great, but you’re not thinking about how it’s going to make you feel bad later. You’re just completely indulging into the present and just wanting more of this until your satisfaction isn’t actually satisfying, it’s sickening. Fast love can feel like a sugar rush that crashes, leaving you empty.

The Sustainable Magic of a Slow Burn Relationship

With a slow love, sure it’s not going to be overwhelmingly Magic IAL, but I’d say it’s the small bits of magic that continues to prove to me it is sustainable and it will be there through my thick and thin because it already has. Versus the fast loves, it’s like who are you? And a couple heartbreaks later, I started to understand. And a lot of the answers to this problem, I wouldn’t even call it a problem, it’s just this ride of passage in life is learning how to be more patient. We all have different styles of being patient too. It’s truly just further understanding yourself and what your well-balanced meal looks like.

Slow love may not dazzle all at once, but its quiet magic lasts—built on patience, presence, and deep understanding.
Fast love asks, “Who are you?”
Slow love says, “I know who you’ve become.”
In the end, it’s not about fixing love—it’s about learning your rhythm and redefining balance. – Anshu

Anshu’s Reflections on Slow Burn Love

At least definitely with the times that I’ve experienced fast love, I was running away from something. Whether I knew it or not, I was running away from something. One of my fast loves, I was running away from what my purpose was in life. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up and the fact that I had already been at the age of growing up and I wasn’t in the career that I wanted to be and yet it was agonizing to admit I was lost. So then I fell into a really fast love. There goes the well-balanced meal, I avoided the vegetables and I just went straight for the sugar. I didn’t want to confront that I hadn’t had eaten any vegetables.

So yes, the slow loves that I have been experiencing as of late, I am just truly ever so in love with the fact that you exist. I didn’t know that slow love existed until I found my best friends. I think my abandonment issues really really subsided when I found love within these people. They have been there through the thick and then. I believe that my soul is tied to them and it truly took time in order for that tie to be created. With a not so strong, over time and weather and Erosion, the knot will still be there.

Fast love was my escape—from purpose, from pain, from the parts of myself I wasn’t ready to face.
I skipped the vegetables and binged on sugar.
But slow love—steady, patient, real—taught me how to stay.
It lives in the friendships that held me through the storm, the knots that didn’t slip with time.
That’s the kind of love I trust now. – Anshu

How to Nurture a Slow Burn Relationship

In terms of how to get slow love, I would say it is paying attention to the other aspects of your life. And that is how you can start practicing a slower love. You want to divide and experience life in moderation, especially the good and the bad parts. It’s the balance, it’s the balanced meal. A slow burn relationship is about savoring the journey, like enjoying a meal with all its flavors, not just the dessert.

I believe a slow burn relationship is like a well-crafted thali – a little bit of everything, savored slowly, leaving you fulfilled. Please let me know guys what you think about slow burn relationships vs. fast love in the comments below! Let’s keep the conversation going and find our well-balanced meals of love together.

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