Friendships in adulthood can be incredibly rewarding, yet they often come with unique challenges that require intentional effort to overcome. As we navigate the complexities of adult life, maintaining meaningful connections can feel daunting. In this article, we’ll explore the barriers to sustaining friendships as adults, practical strategies for fostering healthy relationships, and how to address common issues that arise. Whether you’re struggling to balance time with friends or seeking ways to build new connections, this guide offers insights to help you thrive.
Understanding the Challenges of Adult Friendships
Time Constraints in Adulthood
One of the biggest barriers is time. We become accustomed to a certain amount of time that would be appropriate in friendships prior to adulthood. When you’re in school, especially elementary school, middle school, high school, you’re seeing your closest friends every day. It’s not really a coincidence that most of our best friends would be going to the exact same school with us, have a lot of the same classes with us, because proximity is breeding that familiarity that makes you feel comfortable with the person. When you get to college, really that experience is magnified because you’re both living on campus most of the time. Sometimes we develop really close relationships with our roommates on campus. A lot of times when we go to college, we’re having to say goodbye to the close friendships we had through grade school because now we’re starting over, maybe even in a new state. So there’s this very rapid progression of relationships because we’re starting from scratch. There’s a pressure we feel to have support as we make a huge transition in our life, so we develop almost an unrealistic expectation for what it means to spend time with your friends.
Our understanding of friendship as we move into adulthood can be a very very different experience than what is actually feasible for us once the constraints of adulthood hit us. So time is a major barrier because some of the milestones that come with adulthood like jobs, getting in a relationship, getting married, having children, and some of us don’t have those things, and in those situations, you’re trying to also navigate what should my expectations be of a friend who might be in that stage of life. I’m not there, so I do still have the time to spend with my friend, and I would like to be able to still spend time with my friend, but I’m starting to feel like an afterthought. And so when we get to this stage of life, I see friendship relationships breaking down at very different points, but the biggest one that I hear, and actually is a reflection of some of the comments that I saw, was really around those life milestones.
Competing Priorities and Life Milestones
When we enter the workforce, a lot of times that is understood by our friends because they’re also moving into that phase of life as well, so we both understand that we’re busy and we’re working. Where things start becoming a bit more complicated is when the factors competing for your time are other people. So once you have a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, and you’re choosing to spend time with them, or it feels like your friend is choosing to spend time with their partner instead of with you, it becomes very very difficult to maintain and manage friendships. Managing friendships, especially as an adult, can be very very challenging.
Strategies for Maintaining Healthy Adult Friendships
Effective Communication
There are a few things that I want you to think about, and the top thing of course is going to be around communication. Because we have history with some people, we’ve developed an established dynamic with someone, it can be difficult sometimes to break that, disrupt that, and have conversations that we wouldn’t typically have. If you no longer feel safe to be open with your friend about how certain things impact you emotionally, that also could be an indication that the priority of that relationship is expiring. So if you do feel safe to open up to this person still, you want to be able to tell them how you’re feeling and avoid using accusatory language. So instead of saying, “you never make time for me anymore,” you want to say, “I miss you, and I feel that we really haven’t had an opportunity to get together. How can we ensure that we have some quality time?” You can also check in with them: “Do you also feel that we haven’t been spending enough time with each other?” Because what you may find is that for that person, you all might be spending a quality amount of time, and you guys have mismatched perceptions of what that really should look like, and that is a difficult thing when people have different needs in relationships.
If you’re the type of person who needs more time than that person needs, then how do we negotiate that? Sometimes you have to come up with a compromise. If you ask them outright, “how much time is ideal for you for us to hang out?” and they say, “well, I’m happy with us meeting up once a month,” and you say, “well, I would really like us to get together three or four times a month,” maybe you guys start by working up to two times a month and see how that feels and see if it makes sense to incorporate more time, or see if maybe you would be satisfied with having two times a month that feels like something that is feasible for you.
Recognizing When a Friendship Is Fading
There’s no one way to conduct a relationship when it comes to healthily managing friendship. What I will say is that there are some things that can indicate that a friendship might be coming to a point where it doesn’t make sense to be a primary relationship in your life. And some of the signs of that: when you and your friend no longer have things to talk about or things in common, when you might be getting to a point where you no longer trust your friend with what’s happening in your life. I’ll give you some examples of that. If you are, let’s say, in a relationship, and you feel that your friend has become very frustrated with you spending time with your partner, which is understandable, but you start getting to a point where, because of that, if there’s issues in your relationship, you don’t take it to that friend because you know they already have frustrations with your partner regarding how much time they’re taking of yours, and you’re feeling like, “if I tell them anything negative about my partner, they’re going to harp on that, and I don’t want them to not like my partner anymore than they already don’t.” That’s an example of a trust bond being broken in a friendship because you no longer trust your friend to give you a listening ear and to remain as impartial as they can when you’re sharing about things happening in your life, which a lot of those things may be revolving around your relationship.
Also, if you don’t trust that your friend won’t take your information or business and share it in other spaces. We’re in high school, even college, we’re a lot more naive. We don’t really anticipate the repercussions of some of our actions, but as adults, we are fully aware that if people knew about certain things that we were doing, we’re cognizant of the fact that there could be major consequences that could cost us our job, cost us our relationship, and things become a bit more precious in terms of the information that we share. So if you start getting to a point with a friend where you no longer feel comfortable sharing the private, intimate details of your life, that might be an indication that that relationship no longer makes sense as a primary relationship.
Cultivating New Connections
Another thing you may want to consider, and I highly encourage this, is asking yourself if you need to cultivate new relationships at your current stage of life. This does not necessarily mean that you are getting rid of your initial relationships, but it actually again may take pressure off of those relationships if you have other people to talk to about specific areas of your life. Like I said earlier, if maybe with one of your closest friends, you don’t really feel comfortable discussing your marriage, for example, maybe you develop friends who are in a similar stage of life, and you can talk with them a little bit more, and they might understand because they understand the nuances that come with that type of relationship. If you don’t have any friends who have children, maybe you need to kind of focus on developing some more mom relationships where you can go to them specifically about those things and reserve some of those initial relationships for the areas that you all might really thrive in, such as enjoying new foods together or going on trips together or whatever that relationship really does well with. If you don’t want to let that go, that’s okay, but you might need to add new relationships in so that you are having all of your needs met.
“Building new friendships can ease pressure on existing relationships, fostering balance.”
Mobilizing Social Support
A huge huge huge focus of any work that I do with the client is what we call mobilizing social support. What that means is that I don’t want my client to be dependent on me for all of their emotional support. It’s unhealthy, and it creates a dependent relationship. So if I have clients that I’ve been seeing for a long time that still need to meet weekly, that really have a difficult time managing their own emotions, that to me lets me know that either they don’t have good social support, or the support they have around them is actually contributing to their stress in a way where therapy is their only outlet. To have a solid friend is extremely important. I encourage that with my couples as well. If you are in a relationship where your partner is the only person you speak to, I know we do glamorize that. I definitely had a huge fantasy regarding that when I was coming up, especially for those of us who felt like we didn’t necessarily fit in in any particular group. When you finally find that person that accepts you for everything that you are, and they not only tolerate it but celebrate it and love it, that’s addicting. You want to be around that all of the time. However, those relationships come with their own unique challenges, and you need a place to process. Even if you’re not comfortable talking with your friends about what’s happening in your relationship, it’s good to still just have a place to go to have fun and kind of dissociate from what’s happening at home for a little bit, and it can also give you an opportunity to just reflect and come back, be in a better mood, whatever that looks like.
Handling Friendship Breakups
How do we deal with heartbreak when we do recognize that a relationship might have run its course? Sometimes we need to really mourn that like we would mourn a death. So that to me looks like taking the time to appreciate all the wonderful memories you all have had, looking at pictures, looking at videos, looking at old Facebook posts of things that really show that relationship and taking a stance of gratitude about that relationship and all that it provided us with, but also making sure that we have a way of establishing boundaries in relationships that have run their course. Sometimes we get to a point where a relationship is toxic, and we don’t feel our best selves in the relationship, and the best thing that we can do is to communicate that we need some distance. People have asked me my thoughts on ghosting people who are your friends. The only time that I really support ghosting is when you’ve tried to communicate it to someone, and they’re just not respecting your boundaries, and the only thing you can do is just go silent on them.
However, I think for the most part, ghosting puts us at a disadvantage because it prevents someone from being able to learn from their past mistakes. It’s like when you interview for a job, and you don’t get the job, and all you want to know is why. You just want someone to give you an answer as to what you could have done differently so that the next job interview, you can do a little bit better. And sometimes we’re refusing to give people those basic courtesies, especially for someone who’s meant something to us for a long time. I personally always will advocate for having a conversation unless a person is cruel. If you feel like they’ve completely flipped the script on you, that makes sense why you would feel like you have to just stop talking to them altogether. But if it’s someone who has held significance for you, then I think that you should have a conversation. What should you say? I would say something along the lines of, “I’ve realized that we’re both at a point in our lives where this relationship is probably doing us more harm than good. I’m very appreciative of all of the wonderful times that we’ve had together. However, I feel like we’re at a point where if we continue with this relationship, we’ll ruin some of the beautiful memories that we have created together.” See where they’re at. They may agree with you. They may say, “I’ve been thinking about this as well.” They may tell you, “it hurts to hear that, but they can see why you would say that.” They may get mad, honestly. If they get really angry about it and start being hurtful and spiteful, the only thing that does is reaffirm that you’ve made the right decision.
“Mourning a friendship with gratitude helps heal and set boundaries.”
Building New Friendships as an Adult
I do believe that friendship is extremely important, especially in adulthood, because we encounter so many many transitions. We’ve never done this before. A lot of us are encountering transitions that our parents have never done before, so we can’t even go to them for advice on what to do. So we do need friendships, and it’s important as an adult to make time for those friendships. They are an important part of our mental health. However, we need to be realistic about how much time we can offer to a relationship. Some resources I love: Bumble for friends. I’ve had so many clients who’ve been able to meet people through Bumble for friends, you know, especially when you move to a new city, and you have to start all over. Also, I met some of my closest friends through Facebook, and it’s crazy because I’m just not that kind of person, but I was looking for people who are in a similar stage of life as me, and it’s interesting to see that just when you think you might be good on relationships or you’re done with friendships or whatever the case may be, that you might meet people who are at the same stage of life who are looking for similar support. So make sure you keep hoping, stay open. It’s important to be vulnerable. It’s important to build intimacy in those relationships, but the thing we learn in adulthood is that you can’t just trust everyone. Start building your discernment. How do you personally determine if a person is worth opening up to?
Some of us overshare out of pure anxiety, and then we regret the things that we say, and we avoid somebody because we’re just embarrassed. So don’t be the reason why your relationships don’t progress. Come up with the list: what sorts of things show you that a person is trustworthy and reliable? We can’t always get it right. We’re not fortune tellers, but sometimes we ignore red flags with friendships that we wouldn’t ignore with a romantic relationship or date. These are some of the things that were really important to me: I wanted to see how do they talk about their other friends. I wanted to understand, if they were at a point where they needed to rebuild their friendships, what was the reason? I wanted to hear, was there any level of accountability, or is it that they’re the victim in every situation? These are things that kind of give me an idea about if that person has a good level of self-awareness. For me, that is the most important quality in a friend. I need them to be able to be self-aware. I don’t need them to be perfect. If you know that you have certain struggles with maintaining relationships, as long as you’re aware of them and you’re working on them, that’s enough for me. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect.
If you’re in a stage of life where you are feeling alone and lonely because the relationships that you thought would last you for a lifetime are dwindling out, I am so sorry that you were in that position. That is a very uncomfortable space to be in. I am hopeful for you that you will be able to find people who want to support you in the way that you want to be supported and that you’ll be able to support in the same way. Life is long, and we meet people every step of the way. If you’re going to exercise classes, don’t be afraid to ask for someone’s number if you think they’re cool, if you think they’re fun. Meet up for coffee, meet up for drinks. If you’re part of a book community or a book club, do a little buddy read on the side with somebody. Get conversations going in the spaces that you’re already in. Maybe you need to join a church if you’ve been wanting to have a community of people who might be on the same page as you spiritually. There are so many options for us to meet people, and it’s very uncomfortable putting ourselves out there. It’s really like dating, trying to make new friends, but it’s definitely possible, especially if you remain open and give people the benefit of the doubt.
FAQ: Long-Tail Questions About Adult Friendships
How to make new friends as an adult in a new city?
Some resources I love: Bumble for friends. I’ve had so many clients who’ve been able to meet people through Bumble for friends, you know, especially when you move to a new city, and you have to start all over. Also, I met some of my closest friends through Facebook, and it’s crazy because I’m just not that kind of person, but I was looking for people who are in a similar stage of life as me.
What are the signs a friendship is no longer healthy?
Some of the signs of that: when you and your friend no longer have things to talk about or things in common, when you might be getting to a point where you no longer trust your friend with what’s happening in your life. If you start getting to a point with a friend where you no longer feel comfortable sharing the private, intimate details of your life, that might be an indication that that relationship no longer makes sense as a primary relationship.
How to communicate effectively with friends about time constraints?
You want to be able to tell them how you’re feeling and avoid using accusatory language. So instead of saying, “you never make time for me anymore,” you want to say, “I miss you, and I feel that we really haven’t had an opportunity to get together. How can we ensure that we have some quality time?” You can also check in with them: “Do you also feel that we haven’t been spending enough time with each other?”
How to handle a friendship breakup mature Finly?
I would say something along the lines of, “I’ve realized that we’re both at a point in our lives where this relationship is probably doing us more harm than good. I’m very appreciative of all of the wonderful times that we’ve had together. However, I feel like we’re at a point where if we continue with this relationship, we’ll ruin some of the beautiful memories that we have created together.”
Why is it hard to maintain friendships as an adult?
Our understanding of friendship as we move into adulthood can be a very very different experience than what is actually feasible for us once the constraints of adulthood hit us. So time is a major barrier because some of the milestones that come with adulthood like jobs, getting in a relationship, getting married, having children, and some of us don’t have those things, and in those situations, you’re trying to also navigate what should my expectations be of a friend who might be in that stage of life.
How to find friends with similar interests as an adult?
If you’re going to exercise classes, don’t be afraid to ask for someone’s number if you think they’re cool, if you think they’re fun. Meet up for coffee, meet up for drinks. If you’re part of a book community or a book club, do a little buddy read on the side with somebody. Get conversations going in the spaces that you’re already in.
Is it normal for adult friendships to change over time?
When we enter the workforce, a lot of times that is understood by our friends because they’re also moving into that phase of life as well, so we both understand that we’re busy and we’re working. Where things start becoming a bit more complicated is when the factors competing for your time are other people.
How to rebuild social support after losing friends?
A huge huge huge focus of any work that I do with the client is what we call mobilizing social support. What that means is that I don’t want my client to be dependent on me for all of their emotional support. It’s unhealthy, and it creates a dependent relationship.
Anshu Pathak is a passionate writer and avid reader whose love for stories shapes her world. With a heart full of imagination, she weaves tales that resonate with emotion and depth. When she’s not crafting her next piece, you can find her lost in the pages of a novel, exploring new worlds and perspectives. At Moodframe Space, Anshu shares her creative journey, offering insights, stories, and reflections that inspire and connect with readers everywhere.