10 Common Phrases That Are Ruining Your Relationships and How to Avoid Them

Relationships thrive on communication, but certain phrases can sabotage even the strongest bonds.

Phrases that we say every day can fall into categories where we’re minimizing our partner’s experience or we are being extreme or absolute. These words can create a breeding ground for disagreement, shutting down meaningful dialogue. Recognizing and addressing these phrases is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships.

The Impact of Everyday Language

A lot of times it can be hard to recognize the phrases that we actually say every day that actually fall into those categories where we’re minimizing our partner’s experience or we are being extreme or absolute we’re we’re mind reading all of these different things that are really counter-intuitive to having productive conversation. By identifying these phrases, you can take steps to avoid them and create a more supportive environment.

Top 10 Phrases That Harm Relationships

1. “You Never” and “You Always”

Number one you never and i’m gonna go ahead and jump into number two you always both of these phrases show extremism being absolute to tell your partner something like you never buy me flowers you never take me out you never talk to me you never xyz or you always ignore me you always leave me hanging you always go out without me that does not leave a lot of room for nuance. It’s very rare that something happens 100 of the time, so as soon as you say that, what is your partner going to do their mind is going to start looking for exceptions to what you said. At that point, you’ve already lost your grounding in the argument because they’re thinking about how can they contradict what it is that you just said you never take me anywhere okay well what about last week when i took you to such a such birthday party right they’re looking for ways to argue with that because as soon as you say always or never you’re you’re creating the perfect breeding ground for someone to disagree with you.

How to Rephrase: Instead, you could say something along the lines of you rarely or i feel that we could do this more often that way a person can’t really argue with you about your perception of things especially when you’re leaving room for the possibility that they may have interpreted that they did do or didn’t do some of these things.

2. “Your Little”

Number three and this one is a sneak attack is when we throw in the word little your little business your little hobby your little passion when we do those things we are minimizing things that might be really really important to our partners so you know you playing a little game for example if playing video games is something that is a way your partner can de-stress and relax you know their home for example then why minimize something that probably is as relaxing to them as whatever thing you like to do to relax and calm down so your little is a very condescending way of minimizing your partner’s experiences and sometimes it actually can create an environment where they’re uncomfortable talking about those things with you because they think that you look down on them.

How to Rephrase: Acknowledge the importance of your partner’s interests without judgment to foster open communication.

3. “Here We Go Again”

Next here we go again that is a phrase i hear happening all the time in arguments and it is really a sign that you’re trying to mind read or you’re predicting what’s going to happen it’s another form of minimizing your partner’s experience because what you’re saying is i’m already not listening to you because i know exactly what you’re going to say here we go again indicates a certain exhaustion with a topic and if your partner feels like you all have not satisfactorily addressed an issue then here we go again just means there’s still more for us to talk about or think about in regards to this topic.

How to Rephrase: Maybe you say can we try a different approach talking about this or hey i have an idea maybe i can write down my thoughts you write down your thoughts basically saying let’s break up our typical routine which is really what you’re trying to communicate is that you guys are doing the same thing and ending up in a dead end instead of just saying here we go again maybe get creative and think about other ways that you guys could conduct this conversation and maybe have a better response or result from that conversation.

4. Comparing to Others

This is another great one i actually workshopped this video with my husband and he had this really good one that i wasn’t even thinking about blank does this or doesn’t do that so comparing your partner to other people especially with social media especially with how much access people have these days to other relationships might be like such and such always compliments their wife such and such always post their husband you’re basically saying that i am looking at this other person and they are superior to you in that circumstance really there might be things that your partner thrives in that that other person doesn’t that you would have no idea about right and how often is it that we idolize a certain relationship and just to find out that whatever we were thinking wasn’t exactly on the level that we were thinking of it as you know.

How to Rephrase: Your relationship goal should be your own relationship there is really no relationship that i admire more than my own because my husband and i try to cultivate a relationship that’s perfect for us now if somebody else was in our relationship they probably wouldn’t be as happy in it as we are because it’s very specific to us so becoming your own relationship goals requires you to pause on all of the comparisons and just really recognize the beauty of what you’re creating with your partner and if there are things to be worked on talk about those things matter-of-factly but you don’t need to say someone else is doing it or not doing it in order to emphasize that point.

5. “You Should Just”

The next one you should just now you might be like what’s wrong with that saying you should just blank the reason that i see this being a problem especially in times where a person might be being emotional or sharing about their feelings is that often that phrase is followed by an attempt to create a solution sometimes your partner is just looking for the opportunity to vent they just want to be able to share with you some things that they might be experiencing at work or within their family and if you say oh you should just talk to them about it or you should just keep your head down and keep working you should just xyz you’ve missed the point because what they really wanted somebody to say that really sucks i’m sorry you’re dealing with that how can i support you with that they might not be asking you to give them solutions so you should just a lot of times is minimizing your partner’s emotional experience and it’s really important for you to validate their feelings.

How to Rephrase: Offer support by saying, “That really sucks, how can I support you with that?”

6. “Leave Me Alone”

This one is obvious but very common leave me alone when you say leave me alone what you’re really saying a lot of times is i need a break from this conversation or i need the space to process but what you need to make sure you’re doing is adding the caveat of we can finish this conversation i’ll find you or i’m going to do this so i can work through my feelings you know that way it’s clear to your partner that you’re not telling them that you rather just not be with them because what is that communicating right so leave me alone is really a way of pushing somebody away and i see that most often when a person feels the need to protect and guard themselves so whenever we’re in that headspace that usually means that we’re what defending ourselves using defense mechanisms so telling someone leave me alone is usually a way that you’re trying to protect yourself but you might actually be cutting yourself off from a good source of support if you were able to properly communicate your feelings.

How to Rephrase: Say, “I need a break, but we’ll finish this conversation later.”

7. “That’s Dumb” or “That’s Stupid”

Another one saying things like that’s dumb that’s stupid why would you say that why would you think of it like that your partner might be trying to figure out troubleshoot a bunch of different ways to address a problem that maybe you both recognize is happening or maybe they’re trying to figure out you know how to move forward and some new dilemma that you guys have encountered maybe they’re trying to navigate a conversation with you you’re communicating to your partner i do not respect your thought process even though we look at life differently and that’s probably part of what attracted me to you in this moment i feel the way you think i don’t respect it i don’t care to hear about it right.

How to Rephrase: So you can say that’s an interesting way of looking at it can you explain to me why you see it like that i’m struggling to understand that way you’re putting it on yourself you’re the one struggling right not them so that’s dumb that stupid why would you say it like that why would you think about it like that really could cause your partner to want to shut down instead of and you miss an opportunity to learn more about the way that they think.

8. “I’m Done”

The next phrase is i’m done and a lot of times this is something i hear so often and it’s phrased like an ultimatum if you do this i’m done if you ever do this i’m done if you do that again i’m done or even just i’m done in the middle of a conversation what you’re really trying to communicate is that you might be at an emotional breaking point either in the conversation or the relationship and if you really are done then you know that’s something to actually be you know honest about but really most of the time when i hear this the person is nowhere near done and they’re trying to use that phrase to really control what their partner does they say i’m done because they want you to behave in a specific way and they want to make you fearful of doing whatever action that they don’t like because they’re saying they’re going to leave you if you continue to do it.

How to Rephrase: Avoid ultimatums and express your feelings honestly to prevent escalating tensions.

9. “Calm Down”

And lastly i talked about this in the gq video but it needs its own space in this video and that is the phrase calm down now i’ve had people say to me but what if the person really needs to calm down like they’re over the top they’re screaming they’re upset now maybe let’s say this guys if you are like the third person in this situation and you’re not the person they’re upset with and maybe you’re trying to like help them calm down so the situation doesn’t like explode okay that’s one thing but if you’re the person that they are upset with or frustrated about especially telling them to calm down is only going to catalyze their anger or frustration or upset so you know you might say they really need to calm down but nine times out of ten telling them to calm down is not going to give you that effect so why add fuel to the fire and make them even more upset because now they feel that in addition to them already being in a state that they’re probably like their conscious mind is already starting to get embarrassed about knowing they’re going over the top now you’re criticizing them and sometimes that calm down as being stated publicly which is making it even worse with that additional layer.

How to Rephrase: Avoid that phrase calm down you know you can try to mimic or model calmness for them right they’re getting really irate and you are showing yourself visibly breathing like eyes locked in with them you know they’re spewing off whatever and you’re nodding your head letting them know you’re hearing what they’re saying at some point there’s a mirror reflection happening where they’re recognizing only one of us is taking it there and they might start naturally calming down.

10. The Cumulative Effect of Harmful Phrases

Those are my 10 phrases that i think i see the most often that really cause conversations to go downhill and when used over and over again can actually be the catalyst for a ruined relationship. “Avoid these phrases to foster healthier communication and stronger relationships.”

Reflecting on Your Communication Habits

Make sure you let me know down below if any of these apply to you i definitely had to do some self reflection and realize like a few of these apply to me as well so you’re not alone if you see yourself in any of these. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward improving your communication and strengthening your relationships.

By avoiding these 10 harmful phrases, you can create a more supportive and productive environment in your relationships. Communication is key, and small changes in how you phrase things can make a big difference.

FAQ: Common Questions About Harmful Phrases in Relationships

What are phrases that ruin relationships?

Phrases like “you never,” “you always,” “your little,” “here we go again,” and others listed above can harm relationships by minimizing experiences or creating conflict.

How can I avoid saying “you never” in arguments?

Instead of “you never,” say “you rarely” or “I feel we could do this more often” to leave room for nuance and avoid defensiveness.

Why is saying “calm down” bad in a relationship?

Telling a partner to “calm down” can escalate their frustration, as it feels dismissive and critical, especially if you’re the source of their upset.

How do I stop comparing my partner to others?

Focus on your own relationship goals and use others’ actions as inspiration, like saying, “I’d love to experience that with you,” instead of comparing.

What should I say instead of “leave me alone”?

Try saying, “I need a break, but we’ll finish this conversation later,” to communicate your need for space without pushing your partner away.

How can I communicate better with my partner?

Avoid absolute phrases, validate their feelings, and use conflicts as opportunities to learn about their perspectives and triggers.

Why is “you should just” harmful in conversations?

“You should just” dismisses your partner’s need to vent by offering unsolicited solutions, instead of validating their emotions.

How do I handle a partner who says “I’m done”?

Recognize “I’m done” as an emotional expression, not a literal ultimatum, and address the underlying issue calmly to avoid escalating tensions.

What are signs of unproductive communication in relationships?

Signs include using absolute terms, minimizing your partner’s experiences, mind-reading, or issuing ultimatums, all of which hinder open dialogue.

How can I improve my relationship communication long-term?

Practice self-reflection, avoid harmful phrases, and approach conversations with curiosity and respect to build a stronger, healthier connection.